Day 66

On the road. Tearful goodbyes to my grandmother. 

I still don't know how she does it. I admire her. 

I'm not sure how I'm going to do this drive. Me first. Then mom. 

God this is going to suck. 

Last cigarette before the road. The family has made mom super anti my smoking instead of just a little bit. 

I'm excited to be home. Happy to see dad. See my cat. See Melinda. I'm ready to see Melinda. 

I just want my life to have purpose. 

Here we come Buffalo. 

Day 65

Today is the burial. 

I'm overwhelmingly sad. 

No more grandpa. 

It was a beautiful burial. So many relatives came out. 

I want to feel alive. I'm not ready to die. Ever. 

I miss my grandpa. 

Day 64

I can't stop thinking about death and how life just seemingly goes on. 

Religion. Death. Life. Meaning. 

I'm struggling. 

Supposedly I have time to come to terms with it, but I could die tomorrow. 

Grandpa's body no longer exists. Just his memory. Did he go to heaven? Has he met the God? Or what if he was sentenced to hell because God really isn't that forgiving of a guy?

Or what if there is really nothing and grandpa was just met with black and now he will forever be in the ground. Waiting to turn back into nature. Food for the plants. Plant food. 

That sounds terrible, but this is all my mind can settle on lately. 

What is the point? 

The point is the moment. That's all we can live for is now. Right now. 

I do know that grandpa took advantage of the moments though. The people that came out to celebrate his life and mourn his death. They were so many. It was touching. 

I just really don't want to die. I'm never going to be ready. 

Fuck this higher cognitive ability. It is robbing me of my contented now-ness. 

Gun point retrieval of any future happiness that is being sucked dry in the NOW. And I'm prisoner to far off shackles of those deathly hollows harrowing narrow divets into the crevices of my thought process until I am numb to the immediate tangent of any possible happiness. Now perusing the past and locked up in the future. 

Sutured...

I need to write that book. 

Day 63

Calm day. 

Took a pin of grandpas as a keepsake. Cried my eyes out when I was told to come pick it out. 

I don't like this. 

It hit me today that I won't see my grandpa again. He's been cremated. No chance to see his face again. Only pictures. 

We are burying him on Friday. In South Dakota. 

Selfish thought, I'm not ready to die. 

Day 62

Death. The great unifier.

And yet, I don't know what to do or say.

I wish I could tell my grandma how much I admire her strength and that she is an amazing woman and that grandpa was so lucky to have her.

I want to tell her it's ok to break down.

I want to ask her how she does it, if she's really ok, but mostly I want to curl up beside her and feel like a kid again, because I don't know how to deal with any of this and it seems that grandma has everything under control.

I know very well that this most likely isn't true, but she puts on a good face.

We read all the cards and sent out thank you's today. It was the saddest ever. 

I'm not sure how everyone just isn't basket cases. 

I'm also not sure how I'm not having more of a serious crisis.

It still doesn't seem real.  

Day 61

Funerals are the worst.

I ran away to have a cigarette today. I'm sure I didn't fool anyone with my disappearing act.

The service today made me angry. It was hard to deal with. At one point I just wanted the pastor to be quiet and stop talking.

He did say something sweet though. Super sad, but sweet. He talked about my grandpa and when he was younger, how he uses to carry around a hammer, like a security blanket.

He said that this was his symbol. The hammer. It did symbolize my grandpa because even though he had that hammer with him always, he never was seen pounding it and that's how he was in life, very even tempered and patient, never forcing anything on anyone, but just very gentle.

Made me think to get a hammer tattoo.

Closing the casket and following the coffin to the hearse were the hardest parts about today, especially when Andrew was calling out for grandpa. That broke my heart in to pieces, mostly because I was doing the same thing, just silently.

I miss my grandpa. I can hear his voice and I still just keep expecting him to come home and walk through the door. I'm waiting to hear, just kidding.

It's not joking season though.

Day 59

Had breakfast with myself this morning. Not as impressive as the prices would have you believe it was.

A man who works in Parliament gave me his business card so he can drive me back to Ibanda. Too bad I'm going to Mbarara.

Walked to the craft market where I found I was being weaseled. Fortunately it's ok and I liked my stall lady, but I won't be buying baskets from her anymore. That's for sure.

I got back to my room, had an explosive shit and then was told that check out time had come and gone and could I please vacate my room.

Ok. That's fine. I call the duty driver who isn't supposed to pick me up for another two to three hours. He says he will be here in an hour, so I ask if its ok that I sit outside on the balcony.

It's ok. Then the window cleaner comes and the sun was already beating on me, so I call back the duty driver and tell him I'm going to Garden City(the mall). It's not far and at least it might be air conditioned. Even if it isn't air conditioned, at least it won't be directly in the way of the sun.

So I walk and I look crazy with all these baskets and this huge book bag and I'm hungry or I think I am so I order a burger, rushing because my ride shows up while its cooking, once I receive said burger I proceed to knock down their standing oscillating fan. I'm concerned as it is neither fanning nor oscillating on its way back upright.

It soon works. Trouble averted.

And then we make it to the Peace Corps office where it becomes real again. I'm going home. I'm going home for my grandfather's funeral.

Besides being harassed at the Entebbe airport and appreciating the smokers lounge in Nairobi, Amsterdam has made me the saddest.

The sky is different here. It looks like London skies and the excess is everywhere. I don't feel like I belong in this world, but that I'm a traveler only passing through. It reminds me of why I am making this trip and instills in me a greater belief and faith that there is so much more to life than things.

And I realize that I hold on to things. It is so hard for me to part with things because they are tangible. They are 'real.' The accumulation of things adds up and gives my life 'additional' value in a very visible way.

None of those things matter. Stuff doesn't matter.

Name brands don't matter. Name brands became what they are because we became mindless drones searching for meaning in material things because having faith and believing weren't satisfying quite soon enough.

Worshippers of work and wants that transform to lust and lots.

It's only been two months and I already feel removed. Like I don't quite belong in this world of things.

As much as my family told me to stay I couldn't and part of it is because of that. Relationships matter. And I need to be with my family right now. Nothing else matters. Not money, not Peace Corps, just family. At the end of the day who else do you have?

I'd rather have my family looking over me than all my stuff.

Day 60

June 23rd.

One of the worst days in the history of my life. Only to be topped by my other grandparents passing and my parents. Nene too.

I haven't cried like this in ages.

I can't be sure if I'm actually sick an should be concerned that its malaria or if its just stress that is causing this fever and fatigue.

I miss my grandpa. I want him back. None of this still seems real.

So many people came out for his wake. It was amazing to here people's stories and see the happiness that knowing my grandfather gave them.

There was a slide show and I swore I expected to hear my grandpa just laugh, just open his eyes and start laughing. Of course he didn't.

But that's what I expected. I kept glancing to the casket hoping to see the rise and fall of his chest.

Again no such thing.

I feel selfish being as sad as I am. He wa my grandpa, not my father or uncle, but my grandpa and I don't feel I got to spend nearly as much time as for all the tears I was crying, but maybe that's just it.

I didn't get enough time. There are so many conversations I wish I could have had, I wish I would have had.

I miss my grandpa. I miss his mass, his wit, him playing solitaire. I just miss my grandpa.

I wish I could bring him back.

Day 58

Slept for shit last night.

Thought I missed the post bus this morning because I felt like a cigarette was more important than catching the bus.

Thankfully the bus didn't think the same about me.

The people in the north are so friendly.

Slept a lot on the bus ride. Made it to Kampala. Staying in the Annex. Ready for my flight.

Met an Austrian lady with her son who are traveling the world. She 30. He 3. They just left Kenya.

He is adorable and thus terrible.

After my encounter with them I went to return to my room to realize that I have no idea where my keys are especially since my room is locked.

I bombard them after their shower and after the mom asks him twice where my key is, he then proceeds to run down the hall stark naked. He was called back to put on 'trousers.' Then back to the run. I swear he was such a boy.

He takes me back to my balcony and starts to climb over the cement railing and points down.

Damn it little boy. So lo and behold here I am side saddling this concrete railing to step down on the drop extension of the balcony and mind you I have on not a lick of underwear.

So thank eff for my long dress, but seeing that the railing was high, it mattered not and I'm pretty sure that some part of Kampala has viewed my nether region, although they may not be fully aware as the bush could have easily blended in to my dress looking like a play of shadows.

I'm ready for maintenance.

Today it doesn't feel real.

I don't get why I'm here in the capital. It just doesn't feel at all real.

Tomorrow's flight is going to be the worst 24 hours. I'm not excited.

Day 57

I wanted to write about the kitten who fell in love with me at lunch or the gangle of ducks that interrupted our after eating talk.

I wanted to share how malaria Matt tried to set us up for failure by taking us to the Acholi Inn.

Instead I don't feel to write at all because today I found out that my grandpa passed. This process was much to quick.

It's decided. I'm coming home. I refuse to not be with my family right now.
Booked a ticket and I will be home Sunday. Leaving Saturday.

Tried to leave Friday, but it's late now and I can't be sure what time the post bus leaves in the morning and I'm not sure I will have enough time to grab my passports and get to the airport on time. It would have been nicer to be home with my family on Saturday though.

I get to make it for the wake and the funeral. This is important to me.

Mom and grandma wanted me to stay, but I can't. What is my reason for being here. Alone? Isolated and knowing about what is happening at home?

My grandpa was a good man. I'm going to miss him.

I'm happy to be able to go back though. I want to just touch those who are alive still and be grateful for them and say goodbye.

I wish this didn't happen. Maybe that is selfish, but I wish it. I want him to ahare stories with for when I come back. I just wanted him around a little longer, but I imagine no amount of time would be satisfying.

It makes my goodbye to him in Montana a few months earlier that much sadder. Grandpa never cries. He cried for me that day.

He was telling me goodbye then as if he knew. And I didn't want to believe it.

See you in two years...

I'm ready to be home.

Day 56

Had a presentation on HIV/AIDS today. I'm not sure what I thought, but the group we dealt with was entirely knowledgeable and were teaching me things. I loved the active engagement of the group.

It was actually community educators with some of them being positive. The stories you heard about people passing to their children or their partners being aware of their positive status and not disclosing and even women who were the wives(yes multiple) of men, but having discordancy. Apparently discordant couples are a big thing here.

It made me sad because I talked to two women at the end and the one woman was one of three wives where they all were positive, but apparently the man was negative. Craziest thing is that they claim to have gone for couples testing. So she's actually seen the test performed not just relying on his self disclosure.

Moses, a language trainer said that it I common here and that research is being done because the explanation that so many men are just entirely lucky is not only not satisfying, but they think there is something behind it.

I'm interested to get my hands on such research. Made me feel ill equipped to know that there was info on HIV/AIDS that I didn't have some type of understanding about. Not that I'm going to know everything, but I sometimes like to think that I can.

Our PCV tour guide stayed the night last night and helped to put so many things into perspective for me and also give me hope.

I'm scared, but I think for all the right reasons when it comes to my relationship. I'm just grateful to have had this outlet and to be understood even if for one thing, that reflection made me feel comforted.

We've decided it would be much better if she stayed another year.

Wishful thinking.

Day 55

Today I experienced one of the most beautifully scary things today.

We started field work and had to create a presentation on water sanitation and provide info on proper rubbish disposal and pit latrine maintenance.

We went far, like an hours ride on dirt back roads with no markers making me wonder how we didn't pass the place to begin with.

When we arrived, there was a crowd of people waiting to greet us. They began singing and dancing and at first I was terrified that there were so many people and the fear of participation (I can't dance worth a lick), and just having it be so overwhelming, it scared me at first, but then I got over myself and I saw these people so grateful for education and just having people take time out for them tht they were willing to expend exorbitant amounts of energy in the bleating angry sun. It was remarkable.

This went on for at least half an hour and to feel so welcomed like that I wanted to just bawl my eyes out. The tears were in my eyes, I just couldn't let them out.

It was amazing to be apart of that.

It makes me feel like being here is going to amount to something, even if it is just gratitude.

They even cooked for us. Chicken at that. Chicken is expensive, so I felt horrible when I had. Hard time swallowing it down although the Mountain Dew they provide did help.

Today was just awe inspiring. This community was so motivated an dedicated and committed to one another. It felt amazing to be a part of them.

I'm nervous for my presentation tomorrow that it won't compare.

Fingers crossed.

Day 54

And so it is the beginning of tech immersion.

Met another volunteer today who is about to close her service in the next 3-5 months and its crazy to see what she has done. This was one of the first times I actually felt like ok I can do something. I can make a difference, no matter how small.

We also had delicious American food somehow for lunch. It made my life happy. Oh cheeseburgers. Get in my belly.

Our first presentation is tomorrow.

I'm nervous to be going into the community. I don't know what to expect. Thank God I'm only presenting once and that it isn't tomorrow.

Underachiever.

Went out tonight and met up with even more volunteers at a place called Acholi Social. Half price drinks. Yes I'm there. The drinks were not half bad either.

It was nice to be around other volunteers and just kind of be. And to be social and just relax. Basically this tech immersion is like a vacation for me. I'm really enjoying it.

Probably drank more than I needed to tonight with a margarita, two long islands and a beer upon my return home. I'm a total lush.

Decided to call Canada, woke up with a dead phone and myself spread eagle on the bed with my feet sticking out of the mosquito net.

I wasn't supposed to sleep there as my room smelled of cancer from spraying insecticide to rid my room of the roaches. Instead they just began climbing up the walls away from the perimeter in which I sprayed. That or found their way to the bathroom.

Fuckers.

When I woke I decided to take my fellow PCT up on her offer of bed sharing. No idea what time it was I crawl into her bed.

I would later find out that it was six. I left an hour and a half later.

Tomorrow will be fun.

Day 53

On our way to Gulu which is located in the northern part of the country we were on these roads made of rocks and dust. Grey white dust and it's crazy to see how far the dust travels beyond the side of the road.

Feet in from the road, dust blankets people's yards and any leaf that it can settle upon. It was sad yet beautiful. There was a section that had cream custard colored flowers and next to them deep purple maroon. The way these flowers popped out of the dust, their leaves were covered, but not their petals. The petals retained their pungent coloring.

They looked like edited photos. So pretty.

Had American food again tonight. I haven't decided if my stomach appreciates it or not. I may regret this isn't the morning.

Talked to my dad and my grandpa today. I miss my family.

The prognosis for my grandpa isn't too good. I'm scared. I nearly had a breakdown when I talked to him on the phone. It was so hard. He sounds so weak.

Mom isn't sure that he's going to pull through.

I was a mess this evening. I really was. I just laid in my bed and cried. couldn't even contain it. My mom and grandma weren't really able to talk and i don't want to burden anyone else with it. Not to the extent it needs to release itself.

I don't know what to do. It feels like all support was stripped from me yesterday. Everyone.

I just felt empty. Forlorn and empty.

Oh and I killed four cockroaches in my hotel room tonight.

Please. Let me just drift to sleep. Let today be over.

Day 52

Last night at Kulika. Time to celebrate.

Had serious talks with my fellow PCTs about religion and death. It wasn't fun.

Slept in during the morning. Stressed about packing for leaving for tech immersion.

Today was just a very long day.

Ready for the week to be over already. Just let me see my house.

Day 51

Could not wake up this morning. I just wanted to stay in bed for like ever. Then I remembered that I had to go to Stanbic bank to fix my name. Cursed long name.

So I dragged myself out of bed. Went to town. Wrote a letter to request a name change at the bank and then was on way being driven back to Kulika. Until the call came. We had to turn around an go back to the office to pick something up.

Fortunately but unfortunately for me that meant longer without food and my stomach screaming. I was a little hung over and had nothing to eat as is typical of my life on a good day. On a bad day, I wasn't going to make it.

So we stop at this place and I swear I thought I walked into heaven. I splurged like crazy. Bought this chicken breast with a mushroom cream sauce that came with mashed potatoes and vegetables along with a roasted red pepper and avocado sandwich on a baguette.

I was in heaven. Truly.

Then I ha to go back to Kulika.

Training was terrible. Was not at all involved and left training to go back to the room and finish the food I splurged on. Oh my God it was amazing. Entirely. I swear I thought I was seriously in heaven.

This should hold me over for a few days until we hit tech immersion week where I will be traveling to Gulu which is in the northern part of the country.

Excited to see a different part f the country especially since it is like a two day travel journey from down in the southwest.

This should be interesting. I also hear that they have amazing food. Thank God for somehow American food.

Saving grace.

Day 50

Today was my brother's 19th birthday. I can't believe he's so old.

Called him and sung to him.

Then I talked to my uncle. Things aren't looking too good.

I don't know what to do from this far away. I want to ignore it, but I can't. I want to make it go away, but I can't and I feel incredibly selfish for thinking about all these things and how I feel and how hard it is for me when I'm healthy and my grandpa is not.

I'm sick. I just want this to be a terrible dream. And everyone wakes up well.

I didn't want to come home for anything else. Nothing could make me come home, but now that's the only place I wish I could be. Home in America so I could be with my grandpa, with my family.

Born to die. Breathing to death.

Day 49

I've had peeling fingers for a few days now. I'm a little over it.

All the weight I lost in homestay, I'm putting back on at Kulika.

Potatoes and chicken, yes I am eating chicken (it's fried and delicious), rice with stones in it that I'm pretty sure I'm cracking my teeth on, and beans. Shoving my face.

Last night was potatoes, kinda guac, hot spicy stuff, whoo, rice, and gnut sauce (this is like a peanut purple looking sauce) and I went for seconds on the potatoes. Yum. Come back thighs. Come back.

Oh except I have also started working out because I have two ungoals in Africa. One is to die. And the other is to get fat.

So I'm working out. Not the best with dehydration, but happens. I have now twice gone to bed without bathing after a serious workout session. I'm gross. And tired. So gross and tired.

My body also hurts. Can't wait to do insanity!!! Boom. I'm going to hate my life though.

Happens.

So... I didn't talk about this because even though I put this up and share my life, I don't share any of the stuff that I really want to share, that I really would share. I put out safe information.

This information isn't safe. I didn't want people to know because it is so close to me.

My grandpa is sick. Very sick. I found out on Saturday. My mom is currently in Minnesota. She drove there. That's a days drive. I'm scared. She was supposed to leave Thursday. She left Tuesday. There is an urgency.

Everyone is in Minnesota. I'm in Africa and I just want to be there and see my grandpa and touch him and know that he's there.

I feel too removed being here and I'm scared for my family. I'm scared for my mom, for my grandma, for my grandpa. I just don't like being here while people are changing plans.

Something serious is happening and I am literally worlds away.

I also don't think I'm getting the whole story. I'm feeling unstable.

And this is when you realize that sometimes all you have is prayer...

Day 48

Gorged myself with chili today. Oh chili. How my sphincter will regret you tomorrow. Or maybe even as soon as later tonight.

Seriously shoved my face with mashed potatoes, blue band poison, and chili and rice goodness. I think I fell in love. My mom's old babysitter is responsible for the chili. And my falling.

Bless her. Bless her.

Today we had training about nutrition and were given a PCV cookbook. That thing looks boss. I think that here with my time I should learn to sew, cook, and garden. Not necessarily in that order.

I'm ready for site. For reflection. For time to talk to myself and mull over my own thoughts without having to be guarded. Without having to be humorous or cautious about thoughts or words or expression.

I am ready for my space.

Also ready for always working Internet. God I'm a spoiled American. And this is what we call Peace Corps problems.

Day 46

I've been receiving a lot of missed calls from my host parents. I wasn't too inclined to pick up the ones from my host father as I'm pretty sure he was informed of my reasoning for being pulled.

My mom on the other hand had me a bit worried. So today when the phone rings, I answer. Lo and behold, you know the news?!?

Two out of three pairs of my shoes have been located!!!! Shut the front door!! Apparently they are related to the taxi park owner and have been very serious about finding my shoes. All I can say is see?! Knew they weren't stolen at the post office in Mbarara!!

I am so excited about this!! So excited.

Can't wait to not have to wear shoes that are breaking!!! Yay!

Lazy day today. We had the day off. Did lots of nothing. Got a little concerned about my well being when I started googling reasons why hands/fingers peel and yup it would be me, dehydrated.

So I've been trying to drink loads more water. I'm having to pee every five seconds now. I don't know how people drink proper amounts of water. It's an inconvenience.

Don't feel too well though, so just kinda lounged about trying to not piss the bed. Let you know how that goes in the morning.

Went on an evening walk with a girl who works here at Kulika. She showed us her house and the village and it was such a nice little walk, although I'm not sure I'm ever going to be quite used to brewing so stared and gawked at. It's the craziest thing. I feel like I have blue skin. Like its crazy for me to try to be in there heads an see me, another human, but vastly(not really) different from them because our coloring varies so much.

How does that come about?

Yeah. So maybe living in the city might be nice. No one yells mzungu at you.

Day 47

Today I received these much talked about shoes. All but my flip flops.

I'm ok with this.

I can't believe I don't have my Mbarara story though. I really wanted to find those bad boys in a market, but I suppose this is much better since the shoes were guaranteed this way.

Made my apology to that one PCV. That was awkward. Gheeze. I should really work on pulling out my bitch card. Especially to strangers.

So everyone keeps speaking Ugand-lish which is kind of like Spanglish except harder to understand. The English is much slower, and the phrases are not quite right. I will go ahead and blame England for the misunderstanding there as it is called a trunk, not a boot and garbage, not rubbish.

Anyways, we are playing volleyball and my language trainer decides to come play with us. Everyone is speaking Ugand-lish, which I personally hate because it sounds so condescending. Most people, Ugandans, they say it is very helpful.

It makes me feel like I'm talking to Helen Keller.

But everyone does it. So I'm about to compliment one of my fellow trainees for saying something spectacularly well in Ugand-lish as it isn't that easy to master, until I realize that it's actually my language trainer and thank God I didn't say anything as I currently feel like a penis.

I'm beginning to feel the Kulika effect again. The days here just seems so long. Entirely. Too much training and not enough real life, this is how this training will benefit you, application. Not in these confines at least. Kulika is too tame. Which I may be hoping for in a months time.

Not even two months yet. Crazy how that works.

Oh and I met this lady who used to babysit my mom today. She and her husband are also Peace Corps volunteers. Yup. Small world.

Funny how only in Africa you find these people.

Day 45

Today was a shit show. Drank my face off. Almost lost a fellow volunteer played spades and won!! Hard core!

Was rude to another PCV for really no reason. I'm sure I'll have to apologize for that behavior at some point.

Watched the stars again tonight and realized that damn. I'm in Africa.

And I still can't believe it sometimes. Most times. I usually just forget. I got lost amid the daily trainings. The hours of technical and cultural immersion.

I'm pretty sure I'm over training.

Day 44

First day back at Kulika for tech training and I realize that although homestay sucked, so does this. PreServiceTraining-PST sucks in general, but it is nice to be with everyone again.

It's funny though you can tell who is sick of who. I can't wait to be in my own house even though I'm so stressed about it. Makes me so sad.

Nothing really happened today.

I realize I'm terrified of lip herps and everyone here just kind of shares and I can't do it. It stresses me out. Also if I get lip herps I will be the saddest girl of life. I will also be tempted to make out with everyone I encounter. Look at that. Rates just went from 80% to 100. Boom.

No. Ok. I wouldn't do that, but it has been projected that somewhere in the not very far future that everyone will be carrying the herpes simplex 1 virus. Ew. I will cry on that day. I will cry.

Drank a bit today and found me some spades partners. Lost. Nka butoosha.

Tomorrow we have round two.

Oh and I passed my language proficiency!!! Intermediate Low!!! What what?!?

Only imagine if I would have studied.

Day 43

I'm pretty sure demon children were fighting outside my room last night. I've been up since three thirty this morning terrified out of my mind over things that I keep trying to chalk up to cats in heat, but am having difficulty doing because it sounded like tortured souls trapped in ghost bodies screaming out for help. It was so creepy.

Didn't sleep at all last night. But apparently that's what I do. I don't sleep. I just nap.

Left Ibanda today and thankfully we had a private so no transfers throughout the country.

The only shotty part is that during the bus ride I discovered a cockroach crawling up my inner thigh way too close to my vaginal region.

I thought I was going to die. Pulled over the mini bus and everything because yes I freaked out when i saw antenna up my skirt.

Lord I wasn't made for this life.

Ate an actual cheeseburger with Munster cheese and cold potato salad. Oh my heavens. I thought I died and went there. It was nice to have variety. It was a nice little cafe in Masaka which is a beautiful place on the way from Mbarara to Kampala. Putting it on my places to visit list.

So nice to be back at Kulika with everyone and to talk about our experiences.

Never thought I'd miss this place, but I did. All the trainers were so sweet.

I must say I can't do the food though. I'm going to waste away to nothing. Damn rice and beans. I just don't want to eat you anymore.

I don't even want potatoes anymore. My God. What is Africa doing to me?!?

I'm beginning to feel concerned.

Day 42

Took my LPI today. Kicked that language's ass! What?!?

So happy to finally be done with it. Although I feel like a dip when I use the language because I can't express myself any better than a four year old.

So ok, maybe I didn't kick its ass, but I understood all the questions, and I was able to answer them all, plus be a little funny. I was so happy when that tape recorder went off though. Gheezeus was I happy.

After me and two other girls took the long walk to my house to get the rest of my stuff. Can we talk about awkward? Walked past my mothers school where she came running down the lane after us to see if I was better and if she should come cook for me and what the doctor said.

Screw lying. I have to say those habitual liars, I have to give it to them. They are seriously talented, because I can't lie worth shit. Hate it. It probably didn't help that I'm not at all sick. So I neither look or sound sick. Great.

Went and got all my stuff but not before my host dad was alerted of my departure and informed Fere that he was coming with pork and what not. She told him I couldn't stay, so he met us on the way with a tub o'pork.

I later found out that pork, because it is the priciest meet is the way to drop panties. Men ask women in pork dates and try to shove drinks down their throats to get them into bed.

Why me? Why me?

Women don't drink here very much though, so their tolerance is lower. Little did my host dad know that I can drink him under the table any day.

And I sing, "I'm proud to be an American..."

Oh and the pork was pretty darn amazing. Thanks creepy host dad.

Was able to give my host mom pictures I printed of the family because she came to pick up the container the pig was in so I'm happy I got to at least say goodbye to her.

Too bad she came as I was on my third beer.

I'm sad I didn't get to say goodbye to the kids or anything like that. Maybe I will still visit. I haven't decided yet.

Oh and I lost my house. Just found out today. My colleague sent me a text saying they lost the house, but they got me another one. Not one that I've seen. I'm nervous and sad. I had plans for that house.

I'm wondering just what's going to happen tomorrow.

Day 41

Came to training to find out that I'm being pulled from my homestay.

What am I going to tell my host mother?

And my God I have the runs like hell. It's terrible. This is probably way too much info, but I have liquid poo. And I dropped some on the floor today. This one wasn't intentional at all though, not that my first floor shit was, but this one definitely wasn't.

So back to homestay. Yeah. One of my trainers approached me today and said that she spoke with the homestay coordinator because apparently during future site visit my host dad visited the bar at training and was talking about if he had the chance that he would sleep with a mzungu, mind you I am a mzungu and I'm already sleeping at his house. Apparently he was just saying really inappropriate things. So they decided to pull me.

We decided to tell my host parents that I'm sick, that the dust which is ridiculous, is really bothering me.

It seemed to work. They both called me. I felt so awkward and bad. I don't really get to say goodbye to my kids now.

Although, we did take a hike down to my house so I could grab a couple things and also so that they could see me and not be so worried.

The dad was being so weird saying not to tell that I had alcohol while I was there. I'm allowed to drink creeper dad and it wasn't a weird thing until you started saying don't tell. Gheezeus.

My mom looks like she doesn't believe me, but Fere says they do. I just feel bad. My kids were so sad.

The whole family walked us up the diet road to the main one. I felt like I was leaving to go to America.

On a brighter note, had my first rolex tonight. That mess is delicious. It's chapati which is a sort of tortilla thing with fried eggs put inside and tomato. It's kind of like a breakfast burrito, but better. It was so tasty.

So now that I have electricity and my own bathing area I'm going to take advantage and study. LPI bright and early tomorrow. Lets see how that goes.

Day 40

I'm forgetting to do simple things here.

I went to the pit latrine tonight and looked up and I saw the stars just illuminating the sky. It's breath taking really.

I need to look up more often. I'm too busy trying to avoid people's stares that I'm constantly looking down even when I don't need to.

Time is going so quickly here. Only three more days, less in Ibanda and then a month of tech training and then to my new home. I'm more than excited. More than.

I will miss my mom though and my kids. They've been so sweet to me. It will be nice to be on my own schedule though.

So nice.

No electricity since yesterday. Going to try to study. Yeah. I'm failing the LPI. I can't wait until I can stop talking about the LPI. So ready to be done with it.

Ok. On to studies.

Day 39

Woke up to an ant in my bed.

Pretty sure they are in my brains and nose too. Not to mention my stomach as there was an ant in my rice last night.

Is it time to be done with homestay yet? I'm ready. I will miss the hills of Ibanda though, so I'm happy to not have my house directly in the city. That will be nice. I need to learn more language though. Like a lot more. Ugh. This sucks. I should be studying now even. Instead I'm laying in bed.

I hid and will soon lie saying I don't feel well. I skipped out on church. Whoops. Happens.

Should go to training site today, not interested. Happens.

My belly is still aching. I nearly used my night bucket last night, but I refuse as I've gotten this far. I refuse I say.

Another ant in my food tonight. I want to be sick. I also was forced to eat so much pork and chicken tonight. I'm not sure my stomach will make it through the night.

Scraped my arm on a tree and played cards with the family. Not in that order.

Host dad told me how ladies with hair are sweet. Wtf? Just curious. Lord have mercy and I'm shaving my legs tomorrow. But apparently the ladies with the beards aren't sweet he says. He says those ones know how to fight and that you shouldn't mess with them.

Sometimes he makes me nervous.

So I confessed yesterday to blowing my nose into my sheets. I discovered today that that action was excessive and unnecessary as I had travel tissue in my book bag the entire time, so those boob pads that I removed from my dress, yeah I didn't really need to use those to wipe either I could have simply used tissue.

All time lows I tell you. All time lows.

Took a ton of pictures today. I'm so excited to develop them for my family. That will be a great gift. My mom was so cute. She changed and everything for the pictures. Got some really good ones today.

My language trainer comes back today from her language training she had to attend. I'm so excited!!! I missed her.

Ok. I should sleep now which I never do. I'm beginning to wonder if I have serious issues.

We will find out soon enough.

Day 38

The curry has come back to haunt me.

Explosive shit. Thank God it happened at training and not homestay. A weapon was propelled from my backside today and it splattered nope not in the hole, but an inch away from it, just straddling the edge.

Yes. I shit on the back of the 'toilet'. Essentially on the floor.

I have also blown my nose into my sheets tonight. Like you're sick blow. I'm hitting some serious all time lows.

Today was over all a good day. I'm pretty sure the bartender guy likes me. Which makes him hate me. Funny how that works. Told me I was good at disappointing. Enh. Not like he isn't the first person who's wanted to say that to me. Just maybe the first person who's actually said it.

No clue what I did. Apparently I didn't call him for lunch.

Right, so today was our homestay farewell. We haven't even taken or passed the LPI yet we are giving away certificates and what not. My dad didn't show up, so my mom and the kids did, the oldest boy going in stead of the dad.

Everyone's host parents gave speeches about them, except the son did mine and he doesn't really know me. Then he was embarrassed and put on the spot because everyone gets names, and I didn't have one yet, but someone called him out and was like what's her African name.

So I am called gift. Kirabo (cheerawboh).

I wish my mom would have spoken. Pretty sure part of me is being a spoiled baby.

Ok I'm done.

I wore the dress my host mom got me. Everyone thought it was so pretty. It was. It really was. It was such a sweet thing for her to do.

I wonder if she will go to church tomorrow. I don't want to go, but the dad and the son insist on me going. Ugh.

Can't I just be the odd American who doesn't go to church?

Ready to be done and at site. Ready to start working. Just get me to January. Please and thank you.

Day 37

No shoes. Apparently, the driver says that someone must have stolen them at the post office. Too bad I know that's not true.

Looks like I'll be finding them in the market.

We had to prepare an entertainment bit for our homestay families tomorrow. We are performing the YMCA, the ChaCha Slide, and the Hokey Pokey. We are all going to limbo. It's a little ridiculous and crazy, but it should be a good time.

I felt isolated today. Partly I feel that no one gets me and that I don't belong, or at least that was my feeling today. It's difficult to describe with real words, it made me feel to write today though reflecting on unedited emotions.

I started.

I stopped.

I'm missing home today. Wanting to call everyone. Ooh. Found my language notebook which I thought I lost, but now it's ok. Everything is right again.

So excited to be over this experience. Two years can not go by fast enough.

I wonder if I will feel this way with three months left of service.

Oh and since I've been planning my life since I got here, it's been decided that I will travel, still hoping to make it home for my brother's 21st bday, but looking at the way things are going now... Well I can't make any predictions actually as that's literally two years from now. We shall see.

Oh. Ate an egg today. The yolk was the same color as the whites. It was weird. I wanted to throw up.

God please help me to overcome the nasty. Today I picked my nose like it was no big. I'm getting grosser by the day. That's one thing. Picking your nose here is aye ohkay and its sending me the wrong message. Monkey see. Monkey do. And I did today. I mean everyone picks their nose, but I hope that most try to be discreet about it. Not Ugandans. It's funny. Burping or farting it picking your nose, mostly picking your nose any and everywhere is not uncommon.

You need to pick, you pick. Doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing. And there are no excuse mes after burping or farting and sneeze acknowledgment? Doesn't exist. I'm going to forget how to function as an American two years from now. God help.

That is all.