Day 61

Funerals are the worst.

I ran away to have a cigarette today. I'm sure I didn't fool anyone with my disappearing act.

The service today made me angry. It was hard to deal with. At one point I just wanted the pastor to be quiet and stop talking.

He did say something sweet though. Super sad, but sweet. He talked about my grandpa and when he was younger, how he uses to carry around a hammer, like a security blanket.

He said that this was his symbol. The hammer. It did symbolize my grandpa because even though he had that hammer with him always, he never was seen pounding it and that's how he was in life, very even tempered and patient, never forcing anything on anyone, but just very gentle.

Made me think to get a hammer tattoo.

Closing the casket and following the coffin to the hearse were the hardest parts about today, especially when Andrew was calling out for grandpa. That broke my heart in to pieces, mostly because I was doing the same thing, just silently.

I miss my grandpa. I can hear his voice and I still just keep expecting him to come home and walk through the door. I'm waiting to hear, just kidding.

It's not joking season though.