Loco

Someone asked me about a prototype the other day and questioned whether or not I had one. I think that everyone you date before you take the plunge is the prototype because you have to take pieces of each person to get to the one that will actually make the cut.

Even when you find the one worth it to say, "I do" they are still not perfect. Perfection is a thing people talk about and say that they want, but if perfection were real, it would be imperfect for that very reason. Predictability although structurally desired, is simply put-boring. Who wants a perfect mate. Arguments are healthy aspects of relationships. It highlights differences and allows for growth.

The one isn't supposed to fit like a glove. The one is like leather, molding to fit, but a little stiff at first. You come to fit together.

I think I think too much and maybe I should stop. People are not like leather. Bottom line, I have no one prototype. You were not the prototype, only parts of you. I don't want a prototype. Those are for silly people who have a type to begin with. Their is no mold you can fill. Either you make the cut or not.

Snip.

Reflections

I remember there was a time when I thought you were the nicest thing. I remember when I thought I wanted to see if we could be something, when all along I knew that we were nothing and would never amount to anything.

I wanted you because I couldn't have you. I called you mine in moments and in spaces of time because you belonged to someone else. You belonged to fantasy and favorite was something of my dreams. I stitched together fairies and dust and blew on it in just the right light and there you appeared.

Moments that slipped through my wanting waiting fingers and it wasn't you that I wanted or waited for. I thought you were, because I was waiting, because I was wanting, but I was wrong. I thought you were substance, sustenance. You simply made me sick. Stomach flips that I blamed on the union of lips.

I remember when I was wrapped up in you, the warmth of your words that I flocked to and yet they burnt. Burned me and I let it be. Allowed the worse for me. Didn't heed the warnings. Didn't hear your strings singing out to me to simply just let it be.

I couldn't and I wouldn't, but now it is nothing more than a phantom of a memory. Just as I knew it would be. Cut deep, but reality healed me. The reality of you and me.

I remember there was a time when I thought you were the nicest thing. I remember when I thought I wanted to see if we could be something, that you wouldn't forget me, that I meant something, when I thought that I was different.

Then I realized I was.

Monday

So... my coworker comes into work this morning and comments on my new hair cut. He tells me how much he likes it and states that with this style, I should be a model.

As a girl conditioned by the media and raised in American culture and society of the 21st century, of course my returning comment was, "Sure 30 lbs later."

My coworker then hits me with a, "Well you know they do have plus size models."

Damn. I know I'm not a mini, but I'm not plus sized. So that's exactly what I say accompanied with a wtf face, "Yeah, but I'm not plus sized."

The conversation then took a then for the worst for my self esteem.

"Well you've never been a small girl. You've always been big boned. It must be that it runs in the family."

Well damn. Now you're talking about me and my mom? What the hell? This conversation is over. I had to end it with a, "are you serious face."

He may have gotten the hint as he then said, "But you know I think you're beautiful."

Yeah, yeah. Damage done. Too late.

What a way to start off my week. I knew I hated my job.

Work Day Blues.

Do you ever find yourself head first, jumped in the pool in a situation and then later realize that maybe you should have tested the water first?

Funny how things work out. They say that people walk into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime. The difficult part is trying to figure out who fills which slot.

More often than not people are for reasons and seasons. We aren't meant to share ourselves with everyone and imagine how taxing that would be to maintain all those relationships.

Relationships are stressful and the dynamics provide for situations and reflection that not every person can manage through each network made.

When I think about life this way it makes the relationships that do withstand that much more gratifying and fulfilling. True friends, true love in any form is hard to come by. Once you have it, nurture it. It will flourish and grow.

Now I just news people to wear markers or brands of some sort. A big R, S, or L. That would be helpful.