Catching Up

Today there was a spider in my shoe.

I've also decided to do crack in terms of my fashion. Feeling myself today. The only thing is that my pants suck at fitting because of insanity which I like and then don't. Wah.

I'm wearing a scarf to work- on my head and think I'm super appropriate.

I've come to conclude that the nicotine in cigarettes has finally caught up to me and that they are unnecessarily depleting my bank account.

My stomach hurts so badly and I've already number two-d twice this morning. Now that I'm at work I will have to suffer quietly.

I neglected to wear deodorant today which is commonplace, but on this particular morning I can tell. A little wet in the pits.

I have an appointment this afternoon which lets me get out of work early, but also puts me in a position to have my vagina examined and stretched and frozen and made to feel entirely uncomfortable. Boys just don't know what they are missing.

I think now I will actually do work and get it done and be successful at getting through yet another Monday which for the record I think they should rename Suckday. Makes more sense.

So to all those trekking through a Suckday, hats off to you. You are brave soldiers.

Operation "Call Back"

I don't get boys. I've begun to think that they are the parts on an assembly line meant for the furnace, but they manage to escape and so we are stuck with them in the real world.

They can go kick rocks as far as I'm concerned.

So about two days ago I am stuck in some "rush hour" traffic on main street, just a little congestion, enough that I start playing a game on my phone.

Next thing you know, through my rolled down window I hear, "I wish I were texting you." Of course I turn my head, he was screaming. I say nothing and look away. Take me away Calgon. Take me away.

Traffic is still backed up, but now mystery screamer has managed to pull up next to me and I can't go anywhere. No available right turns, no left, can't go straight. I'm stuck. Great.

So the assault continues. "So can I get your number?"

No.

"Why"

Frankly because I'm not interested in a 32 year old man (everyone is 32 nowadays) who assaults people verbally from open windows in home time traffic. It's late and I'm tired and I just don't really want to be bothered. Please mister sir. Please.

Find out his name is Alonzo. Strike one. I'm not talking to anyone who has the name of one of my relatives, especially that of my granddad, dad, AND little brother. It just starts to get weird.

I also am just not interested. I should have been an uber bitch and rolled up my window on him. Damn you hot car. Damn you.

So after I am unable to convince him that I am uninterested, which I thought would be an easy task since I thought it was painfully obvious, I remember a trick my friend taught me.

While in Paris we couldn't kick this straggler. Strangers are cool. Friends were strangers at one point. Not cool when they are creepers. Whatever. So my friend devises this plan. Give him contact information. As soon as you give someone contact info, they go away!

So what do I do? I give up my contact information. Except I go wrong and give correct contact information. He calls me immediately which annoys the shit out of me and then not even two hour later starts texting me asking me what my name is again.

Strike two. Fine whatever. Maybe I'm really missing out in something wonderful. I give up the name. Can't remember anything else significant except for when I wake up the next morning and there is a text from Alonzo. And it's not my bro.

I feel like I don't want texts, unwanted texts early in the morning. It's 8:30 dude. Leave me alone. You don't know if I work or not. You don't know any of that.

So now I'm thinking, how can I make this muther leave me alone? He clearly didn't understand the straight forward leave me alone, so how can I deter him?

Bingo! I got it. I'm going to make myself sound like a sorry excuse for a human being and he will have no choice but to walk away.

I'm thinking this is the perfect plan, until I put it into action and them am forced to remember that boys are the defective parts of the assembly line so all the screws aren't there.

So the kid asks me how old I am. I say 19. He says 29. Yes. Big gap. He doesn't seem to mind. I do. He tells me the age difference between his parents. Idgaf about your parents dude! I don't even care about you. Why are you bringing family into this?!

So he asks if I'm in school. I'm thinking, shit, I am at that age to be in school. Damn, wait... And then I think nope. Not in school at all. So that's what I say thinking that will be great. He asks why and I say I can't be bothered. Not only does this not deter him, he says it sounds like him at my age. Great. Common bond. Just what I was looking for.

He asks where I work. I say Big Lots and Burger King. He has no qualms with this either. I'm beginning to get discouraged. I've gotta come with something big.

The conversation turns to why I'm in these circumstances and I pull out the big guns. "I have kids." Plural. I love it and I think it's going to work except that after I've told him that I have three kids one with the name Shev, short for Shevy, and that my oldest is 6 with two baby fathers and one in jail, he goes ahead and puts blame on the guys for not being more proactive about me not becoming pregnant.

At this point I can't and so I do what I should have done in the beginning. I figuratively roll up my window and proceed to ignore the kid.

If you can accept all those things from someone that you're trying to talk to/be with, then I really can't talk to you because your standards and my standards are at two completely different levels.

When I relayed this story to a friend e said I made myself sound too ambitious. Even though I had food stamps, I had two jobs and wanted to provide for my kids. I was too much of a good person who just sounds like they got dealt a bad hand.

All I'm saying is that 19, with three kiddies is more than enough to turn me away. If the age didn't do it, the kids did and if not the kids, hell I'm really not trying to deal with your psycho baby dad when he gets out of jail. Not do I want to smell Burger King every time I see you.

So that planned backfired royally. And I thought that was going to be my new thing. Oh well. Maybe he just really liked whoppers.

Hot Air

So farting, passing gas, flatulence, it is all a part of life and happens to everyone. Why then are we conditioned to think that it is so bad? I mean I understand the smell and sometimes the sound can be a bit much, but it's just gas. It shall soon dissipate.

Now this is not a call to just start passing gas at the dinner table or out at the bar or any sort of crowded space, but don't squeeze your butt cheeks together so hard that you've adapted kegels for your anus.

So yesterday at work I'm in my office. Nobody has come to see me in quite some time so I'm relaxed, getting stuff done and feeling good. Next thing you know my stomach does a little gurgle.

My stomach gurgles and I realize it is this horrible gas that has been following me around for the past week. Not nice.

So I feel comfortable and safe in the sense that no one is going to come in even though my door is open I let her rip. It was a silent one and I go about my business typing away. Literally thirty seconds later I think I'm in the clear and my boss starts talking to me. I talk back, we do the back forth office talk all the time. No need for panic, except next thing I know is that she comes walking into my office to hand me something and all I can do is will her with my mind to stay away.

The cloud has begun to spread! And it was quiet because it was a bit deadly. I swear something died inside of me. Needless to say she walks right over to my desk and continues to talk to me while my brain is firing questions at her. Questions such as, " don't you smell that?" " why do you keep coming closer?" " can't you leave already?"

I swear she smelled my ass. Feces particles traveling though her nostrils. Gross boss lady. Gross.

Needless to say I haven't learned my lesson as in typing this I let two more bombs go. Thank goodness though this time no one has come around. I think I should air out.

Time for a workday round.

Dollar Amounts

Yesterday was Labor Day. Thank God for these wonderful holidays that let me not have to go to work.

It was week two of insanity yesterday and I swear I should be looking like a model already. I will be so sad if I don't get killer results, but again, it is only week two.

Hopefully by week three. But I have already lost some weight, not much, but it's something.

So this kid keeps messaging me. I don't need this kid messaging me and when I say kid, I don't really mean kid. He is a 33 year old man. I'm 24 dude. We are in completely different realms of life. Chill. Plus I'm not sleeping with you, so stop asking me to come over. It ain't happening. If I see you it is going to be in neutral territory, but after the last bit I think that won't even be happening.

So this kid had been hitting me up asking to hang and I kept having all the reasons why I couldn't. Finally I was like fine, let's go. So we head over to the Blue Monk. Mind you, I was out to dinner with friends already and I'm me so I was a little late. Just under thirty minutes of our agreed upon meet time.

So I come in, order a drink and kid says he's got it. Nope. No you don't. I'm not owing you anything. I got this. He puts money out, I put mine too. Now I never carry cash, so this ten bucks is it. So ok. Thanks for letting me pay for my drink. 'Preciate it.

We get to talking and all of a sudden the convo turns to me being late. Now again, I'm conceding to this meeting to get you off my back and you turn around and tell me that I need to buy your next drink as penance? What the hell? This is not catholic school. This is not church and you're not the pope. How the hell are you telling me that I need to pay penance? And were you not at a bar? Drinking? Yeah ok. So it's not like you looked out of place or were having a miserable time. You were drinking. Penance my ass. And how are you going to make me pay yet you were just about to pay for my first drink?! You sir are confused.

But, as a good person I pay my "penance" not realizing that it was to transcend the whole evening. I am not a gold digger and I don't care for people to do for me, but telling me I have to and losing the air of courtesy just docked you points bud.

Needless to say, I'm not making any efforts to see him again.

Yesterday was dollar day at the Buffalo Zoo. The best friend and I missed that by about two hours. Too busy thrift store shopping and sitting by murky waters.

After being rejected-told you it was a strong point of mine, by the zoo we went to check out the new house. My friend bought a house. It needs work. In lieu of going to see the house I decided we should visit my dad.

Bad choice. He sends us on the errand from hell. We were on a search for peppercorn. Really? What do you need peppercorn for? Nobody needs peppercorn. Just use whole black pepper. Tomatoe-toemahtoh.

It takes forty five minutes and two stores to find this damn peppercorn and there was no generic so here I am paying for McCormick peppercorn for one time use. Gheeze.

We didn't visit long. Enjoyed some mint leaves in a molson and found ourselves searching movie times.

Premium Rush is what we settle on and let me tell you, up until the last ten minutes, that movie was pretty amazing. I particularly like the Joseph Levitt guy and have found my new celebrity crush. That girl from Heros is amazing. I'm not sure about her acting, but she doesn't have to talk.

Finished the night off with a few pages in 1Q84 and it has me wondering why the hell. Where is this going. So I'm excite to read it on lunch today.

Also I tried really hard not to spend money today, but it was either be late or make a sandwich, so I decided to be only fifteen minutes late instead of thirty.

I'm paying for it now.

Today

I am just striking out. Every time I put myself out there I find myself falling on my face. Rejection seems to be my strong point. I think I may be too bold and maybe I am truly selfish because I seem to rub people the wrong way.

I can't keep a girlfriend who was head over heels for me and now every time any one of my friends sees her new girlfriend out, they call me because they think they are helping yet in reality, they are sending me into a further spiraling depression.

I can't keep my more than friend because I am always pissing her off. There is love as an undercurrent that doesn't flow the way it's meant to. And I find myself always on the wrong side of the river.

I decided that maybe I should be going down a path of my past, but then I realize that as my oh so wise mother had once said, that we broke up for a reason, so as much as Bunny has hurt me, I shouldn't have gone back in the first place. As much as I want answers from Cop, he doesn't deserve my curiosity and as for those I never knew, now is not the time to learn. I can't keep dipping back for comfort.

I need to stretch my wings and be honest with myself about what I want because if I don't know, how am I supposed to receive it properly?

What the eff is happening to my life right now? I can't take this internal turmoil. I am too much into my head questioning notions and looking for signs. I basically wanted what I had, but not and now I am feeling all ahhhhhhhhhh and what not and I can't really take it.

I want shenanigans and to move away and how is it that my younger counterparts are living on their own and I live in the basement?! The basement. Screw my big girl job that sleeps me in a twin bed.

Fuck me.

I have six months to turn this all around. Six months.

And fuck the investmentss!!!!!