Operation "Call Back"

I don't get boys. I've begun to think that they are the parts on an assembly line meant for the furnace, but they manage to escape and so we are stuck with them in the real world.

They can go kick rocks as far as I'm concerned.

So about two days ago I am stuck in some "rush hour" traffic on main street, just a little congestion, enough that I start playing a game on my phone.

Next thing you know, through my rolled down window I hear, "I wish I were texting you." Of course I turn my head, he was screaming. I say nothing and look away. Take me away Calgon. Take me away.

Traffic is still backed up, but now mystery screamer has managed to pull up next to me and I can't go anywhere. No available right turns, no left, can't go straight. I'm stuck. Great.

So the assault continues. "So can I get your number?"

No.

"Why"

Frankly because I'm not interested in a 32 year old man (everyone is 32 nowadays) who assaults people verbally from open windows in home time traffic. It's late and I'm tired and I just don't really want to be bothered. Please mister sir. Please.

Find out his name is Alonzo. Strike one. I'm not talking to anyone who has the name of one of my relatives, especially that of my granddad, dad, AND little brother. It just starts to get weird.

I also am just not interested. I should have been an uber bitch and rolled up my window on him. Damn you hot car. Damn you.

So after I am unable to convince him that I am uninterested, which I thought would be an easy task since I thought it was painfully obvious, I remember a trick my friend taught me.

While in Paris we couldn't kick this straggler. Strangers are cool. Friends were strangers at one point. Not cool when they are creepers. Whatever. So my friend devises this plan. Give him contact information. As soon as you give someone contact info, they go away!

So what do I do? I give up my contact information. Except I go wrong and give correct contact information. He calls me immediately which annoys the shit out of me and then not even two hour later starts texting me asking me what my name is again.

Strike two. Fine whatever. Maybe I'm really missing out in something wonderful. I give up the name. Can't remember anything else significant except for when I wake up the next morning and there is a text from Alonzo. And it's not my bro.

I feel like I don't want texts, unwanted texts early in the morning. It's 8:30 dude. Leave me alone. You don't know if I work or not. You don't know any of that.

So now I'm thinking, how can I make this muther leave me alone? He clearly didn't understand the straight forward leave me alone, so how can I deter him?

Bingo! I got it. I'm going to make myself sound like a sorry excuse for a human being and he will have no choice but to walk away.

I'm thinking this is the perfect plan, until I put it into action and them am forced to remember that boys are the defective parts of the assembly line so all the screws aren't there.

So the kid asks me how old I am. I say 19. He says 29. Yes. Big gap. He doesn't seem to mind. I do. He tells me the age difference between his parents. Idgaf about your parents dude! I don't even care about you. Why are you bringing family into this?!

So he asks if I'm in school. I'm thinking, shit, I am at that age to be in school. Damn, wait... And then I think nope. Not in school at all. So that's what I say thinking that will be great. He asks why and I say I can't be bothered. Not only does this not deter him, he says it sounds like him at my age. Great. Common bond. Just what I was looking for.

He asks where I work. I say Big Lots and Burger King. He has no qualms with this either. I'm beginning to get discouraged. I've gotta come with something big.

The conversation turns to why I'm in these circumstances and I pull out the big guns. "I have kids." Plural. I love it and I think it's going to work except that after I've told him that I have three kids one with the name Shev, short for Shevy, and that my oldest is 6 with two baby fathers and one in jail, he goes ahead and puts blame on the guys for not being more proactive about me not becoming pregnant.

At this point I can't and so I do what I should have done in the beginning. I figuratively roll up my window and proceed to ignore the kid.

If you can accept all those things from someone that you're trying to talk to/be with, then I really can't talk to you because your standards and my standards are at two completely different levels.

When I relayed this story to a friend e said I made myself sound too ambitious. Even though I had food stamps, I had two jobs and wanted to provide for my kids. I was too much of a good person who just sounds like they got dealt a bad hand.

All I'm saying is that 19, with three kiddies is more than enough to turn me away. If the age didn't do it, the kids did and if not the kids, hell I'm really not trying to deal with your psycho baby dad when he gets out of jail. Not do I want to smell Burger King every time I see you.

So that planned backfired royally. And I thought that was going to be my new thing. Oh well. Maybe he just really liked whoppers.