I remember when I thought hiccups were cute

1/18/17

And I have a confession. I have sinned. I have tainted our progress and have the full taste of shame and sorrow and guilt sitting between my teeth.

Still.

Yesterday at work I ordered food. There is more to this story, but just in case you know work people are reading this, "HI!" 👋👋👋

So anyways. I spent. I spent $5.

And I cried. A lot.

You may be sitting there thinking to yourself, $5 that's nothing. It's only $5.

ONLY $5?!

That is $5 not in leftover savings. That's $5 off our grocery or gas or my transportation budget. That five bucks just set us back potatoes, some onions or a days worth of gas.

When I had to shell out that $5 my whole body felt icky. I immediately turned red, searing fire licking at every inch of my skin, while I simultaneously lost all heat in every extremity and felt like I was going to pass out all while nearly bursting into tears in front of my co-workers.

I felt/feel like a fraud. I've been boasting and yelling and professing #nospend2017 from every rooftop to every ear and here I am. Spending. 

I'm ashamed and yet so glad that I have a wonderful wife who reassured me that she's not disappointed or upset even though I am. She let me know that I just fucked up and essentially fucked our budget a bit this week- that $5 really has to come from somewhere. I want to give her a pass since I technically had one, but she refused and I'm so grateful. I'm happy that this little bump won't derail us, that we are dealing with the consequences of my selfishness, and this highlights my guilt as the wife has to suffer now too in some way because now there are even less pennies to punch this week. Not to mention we have a Toronto trip planned (in the budget because my wife has to see her family) and need extra gas money.

I thought I would be stronger than this. But this situation let me know that as much as I would like to think that I am, I'm not perfect and honesty really is the best policy.

So this lesson sucked, but it's fortified in me my drive to keep going and to be true to the #nospend2017

Also #nospend2017 isn't about deprivation, but really reavualting what we want/need and when and why. I didn't need that food last night. I was bored and greedy. I'm not happy for the infraction, but happy to have it confirm the lessons that I'm attempting to digest.

On to better days. More than two weeks and two days better days.

And days where I don't forget my chapstick. My lips really hurt and the stress from confessing this has me licking my lips excessively. Everything in excess!

😰😰😰