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Yesterday I found myself in a place I hadn't been in quite some time. I found myself in church and not just any church, I was surrounded by Episcopalians. People caught the holy ghost, found themselves speaking in tongues, and the tears were more than overflowing.

I hadn't experienced anything like it in a long while. I realized that this was all foreign to me and that if I were completely removed, coming from a more distant cultural understanding, I would have been frightened at the spectacle at hand.

The music with its deafening command to attention and the following of the congregation, the moans and exclamations produced from a guttural existence within these people. It was overwhelming to say the least and all consuming.

All I know is that I was frightened and I found myself in a place of blasphemy questioning God in the presence of all these believers.

Being around this made me question deeply existentially and the purpose of religion and I just couldn't shut my brain off. The pastor was overly concerned with money proclaiming that the only thing one poor man could do for another was to feel sorry for him. What?! Have you read the bible? Did you know it said you can not serve two masters? Aka don't make money your master. Plus I'm pretty sure the poor men could pray together. Isn't that what religion is truly about, the conversation and dialogue you have with God?

Excuse me for being confused and befuddled, but I refuse to believe your interpretation of the word because another man guided you to walk this way. I shall walk the way I was made to by whom I was made and I can not be force fed your biblical ideations. You are just a man and I do not answer to you.

So yes, I am scared of the cult like air that I encountered because you are sheep and despite the tinge of jealousy for your blind following, I would much rather see the way and trust my Lord than trust a man to know which turn to make.

That's just me though.

Falling star

Sometimes you wish for a life that wasn't meant for you, wish for people that if you had you'd tire of and yet sometimes the allure of what if, the allure of what we don't have makes it that much more enticing and sought after.

We find ourselves in relationships that we know we shouldn't be in complaining about what we do and don't deserve. We have such opinions on what our partners should and shouldn't be. Shouldn't they just be them and not a fabrication of our sick and tormented minds? Shouldn't we just leave instead of trying to make it work? Why do we stay? Sometimes sticking ourselves for life.

Life. Long. Stuck.

Sometimes we wish for wealth, for status, sometimes just to disappear. More often than not we think the grass must be greener on the other side when in reality better the devil you know than the devil you don't. We stray because its easier than working for something worth it, yet we stay because its harder to start over. Why not stay because its worth it and leave for the new start, a breath of fresh air?

We think we need 9-5s to feel fulfilled and successful, that the money will heal the wound of our pride along with the loss of our dreams. The money goes too quickly and when death approaches it isn't money we want near, yet that's what we value pushing all else aside. Just for the status. We lose ourselves in work because that is what we are taught to do. The American dream is supposed to be real though right? So why do I still find myself wishing for that dream. Never satiated. Never satisfied. 

Sometimes we wish for a life not meant for us, with people and things we'd be better without, but we don't know what's good until its been replaced and we don't know that we want it until it's too late.

Live in the moment and sure peek at your neighbors yard, just remember you can always do some landscaping of your own. That's what Home Depot's for.

Yeah. Right.

So this morning I started the insanity workout and let me tell you, it is insane. I can already feel the soreness and it was only an hour and a half ago.

Basically the partner and I have decided that the time has come to get serious about getting into shape. I've decided that being anywhere from 174-183 yes that is my weight range is not ok with me.

To be honest I think I carry it well, but I think 160 would carry even better and gall dang it, mom tried to one up me telling me how she weighed 139 at my age. I didn't have the heart to hell her she may have had a problem being that weight. Six more pounds and I would have shaken my head less.

So we know that weight didn't stay off for mom, I'm just curious to see how long I can stick with the insanity. I really need a jump start. Being big is not fun. And it's not for me. God's speed my friends. Send me wished an prayers. I will need them.