Birdy

Today I booked a flight to London. I'm so excited!!! I'm also really nervous. I'm still working on my Peace Corps application and the essays still have me hung up. I'm trying really hard just to bang them out and it's not working very well.

I have also been looking at places for grad school to get my masters in clinical psych focused on health care. Currently the place I'm looking is in Boone, NC. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Other options are Chicago and Minnesota, but I want to go somewhere full of life and strangers. It's time to make a new round of friends.

I've really been thinking about the direction my life needs to go in and from the talk I had with my step-dad the other day, I realize that living in the basement is not apart of my life plan any longer. It never was actually. I just kind I defaulted to it.

Things are beginning to look up and I am more excited than ever for the new direction. A breath of fresh air because all Buffalo has for me right now is big fat disappointment.

One day I will be back, but that time won't be for some years. Fly away fly away!

Going the Distance

Last night I couldn't sleep. Last night was weird. 2 a.m. and I'm staring at the clock. Now I'm a sleeping kind of person. I was in the bed by six last night. I could have stayed there until this morning honestly, but the BFF decided that we should hang out. I was content to stay under the covers.

So 7:30 comes around and there she is giving me my wake up call. Ok. Ok. I'm up. Half naked in ripped panties and yup there it goes, my backside exposed. Great.

Fine. I get up, put on clothes. We buy our Florence + The Machine tickets for early September and try to find some couch to surf on. Couch surfing btw makes me nervous, but if I don't have to pay for a hotel room, then I'm good.

After that, it is decided we should eat. I do, but not before a cigarette to my face. Then since it is a Thursday night we have to watch project runway!

During the runway show I get these random texts messages and I've come to realize that I rub people the wrong way. I was told the other day that I'm not meant to be in a relationship. I hear I'm selfish and untrustworthy.

I'm beginning to believe it.

I was also told that I don't know myself and that I'm running away from myself... I had to think about this and it might be true. Not even might, I know that I don't know. I should be taking this time to truly discover what makes me me and not the negative traits of selfish and untrustworthy.

Even though I don't know everything there is to know about me, I don't think I'm running away. No body runs where I'm headed. They disappear there. Besides I don't want to run. I want to be on the road I am meant to go down to help in my definition and discovery of me.

Who knows. All I know is that maybe that person was right. Maybe I'm not meant for a relationship.

Hmmmm...

Soon I shall say screw relationships. One day I'm going to die and relationships won't matter. You don't think when you're dead.

Behind Enemy Lines

This desk job doesn't suit me. I am not as productive as I would like to be. I find too many distractions and not enough work to do although there is enough work for three people to be done.

My mind is cluttered and unfocused. I can not find my direction. I can not find my purpose.

So I write...

I am writing for roses because I think I deserve them. Let their red mend my broken heart. Grasping the stems leaving me pricked by their thorns bleeding to prove the truth. Sustenance found in the smoke, the only comfort my stomach can bear while my flesh lay stretched singed with the dark marks of the burden of unrelenting press that reaches no further than our social depths. As long as I may keep the enemy afar, then the day does not matter as it shall pass.
this pain sifting through my being providing a residual anchor of confidence. And I will have my red. Cheeks flushed, exuding the rush of my efforts and I don't care for the crutch. Instead of roses, carnations for the death, to hide the scent, and take away the stains that will finish and wipe down the pipes. Quiet now. Quietly more. Never after. What for?

Wake Up Call

Last night I gave in. I gave in and put Twilight in. I really thought I was making progress though. I had eaten and everything. Twice yesterday AND snacks.

Right now I feel like dying. I'm dreaming about the situation now too. And even there I have no backbone. I'm not sure what to do. I need to get rid of twitter, instagram, this phone because every time I go into it I am reminded of a lie. I am reminded that there was better.

I don't even have anything in my stomach right now and I feel sicker than sick. I really want this over. I can't take it. I've called off of work once already and contemplated leaving early twice.

I can't focus and my body is betraying me. I want out of this nightmare and for my thoughts to stop consuming me and taking over both my waking and non waking states. My heart can't take it and I'm not sure how much my body can.

Ready when you are reality.

Dine and Dash

If I thought about it hard enough I could throw up my lunch on this side street right now.

For the past few days eating has not been something my body is interested in. Everything makes me feel so sick. I feel so sick.

I know I need to eat so after bite two when I want to be done, I force myself to eat more. I feel worse.

This is not good. I miss my little miss piggy days. I want to enjoy my food again.

Help? :(

Crossroads

Today I feel sick. Today I can't focus and I keep starting and not finishing things. I am currently at work trying to get work done and yet instead I am on here. I have played hay day so many times today, but I'm even tired I that. It's not enough of an escape.

I need a real adventure right now. So I have decided to apply for the Peace Corps. I think that will be it. It will satisfy my desire to help and my need to learn while providing a daily adventure. I'm excited for even the prospect of going.

As a back up I have begun to think about what it is that I really want to do with my life, continue with social work or something else. I haven't decided yet. But regardless, as my back up I have started to look when the next GRE test is in the area so I can take that and start applying to grad school.

If grad school doesn't work out, I still have my third option which is to get the eff out. I have to get out. Buffalo at this time has nothing left for me. I need to make my get away.

When I disappear I'm jumping of the ledge right into the deep end.

True Love

You know you have a problem when you are 24 years old, tired at eight in the evening, but instead of sleeping, you find yourself glued to back to back episodes of Teen Wolf.

Even if you don't know what the show is or that it ever existed, the title alone should be enough to keep you far far away.

It wasn't.

Not only did I watch two full episodes when frankly I should have been on my third dream, I cried. Yup. That's right. I cried. I cried when I saw the little teenagers all in love and happy and lovely and throw up. Instead of actually throwing up, I cried. I cried because I am a baby.

Movie love doesn't exist and that's why they write about it and make it into movies, because movies aren't real.

I think I have embarrassed myself for one night. Headed to dream land now to find my movie love. Hell tv love works too.

:)

Oh, and I can't wait for season 3!

Life; Ain't it Something?

This summer has been especially hard on my immune system providing it with quite a battle trying to differentiate between actual sickness and whatever it is that I am allergic to, so much so that had a coworker ask me yesterday if they caught me crying. As I rub my eye and say no I just have really bad allergies in my best nasal voice, she continues to prod and ask if I'm sure and do I want to talk about it.

Frankly talking to me when I am having an allergy attack makes me want to do nothing more than be mean to people and with urgency because I feel like I am diffusing a bomb in a movie, providing immense frustration since they never know how to detonate bombs in movies usually because all the wires are either blue or red.

I feel like people talking to me during these attacks are arbitrarily telling me to cut the blue wire. They are all blue, so now my concern and frustration are heightened aka I have eye drops and allergy medication that I can only take once a day and the twice to four time a day one wasn't controlling my allergies any better so please, stop talking to me. It's making me claustrophobic. That is all.

Who invented allergies anyways?

Suck It In

One day I will leave this earth. One day I shall perish. From our first breath they are numbered and diminishing. I have come to decide that my impact on the world, of the masses is not that important. My radial impact is greater, for even though my name may live decades even centuries after I pass, things still become lost among the depths of history.

I want those who knew me to know my love of life. To know my delicate spirit and admire me for my loyalty. I want those who will remember me till their own deaths to cherish memories of brash boldness that led to uncontrollable laughter.

I hope that an eagerness to learn effervesces through the very wood paneling of my coffin.

One day my breath will stop, all feeling will leave my body. And on that day I hope that I have made an impact on family and friends and the community I call home. Life is too short not to.