Jigsaw

I haven't cried in quite awhile. Today I couldn't help it.

Today I am crying in the car because it had to come out. Catharsis.

Broken hearts are no joke. Waiting so badly to not be a stepping stone and to be dealt a hand of love that I deserve.

These broken pieces are penetrating through my rib cage. The visceral dispensing itself, making its way to my reality and I want nothing but to be rid of it.

I want nothing but to fade your memory. Fade you from the folds of my grey matter. Smattered truths that I'm forced to choke down and chew.

And I'm at a loss.

All I can see is me fleeing from this feeling because my strength has diminished with your leave and so I've fallen weak. Vulnerable to sweet words that keep me stuck, stagnant, and wretched.

Waiting for the rains to pour and cleanse me, to clear and bring about a fresh air. Because I can't handle this pain that has become so tangible.

Physically wrecking. Internally naked. Stripped of my soul. Soundless screams. Invisible wounds. They drip dirty blood for you.

Watch me pour out for the mirror to see. Listen for my silent screams as my body stills violently and my mind reverts childishly.

Nothing left, but banged up knees and dirty laundry.

All Around

I thought you were engaged with my mind. Then I realized you were fiancé to my thighs and Beyonce has nothing on this single lady.

Keeping me, steeping me and I am exposing myself so that you may fit yourself against the plushness of my vulnerability.

Soft spoken words luring me to the trap of your mystery. I question to satisfy my curiosity and yet I find that you are not satisfying to me.

Wide the fuck open and I'll bring the thread to mend my head draping it from one side to the other drooping and draping unable to pick up the slack

And at this rate my heart will be beating against these heart strings. Wonder when it will be that I learn from these sorts of things.

And my wound will shrink from the thread mending my heart and head sensing the link and realizing that the physical is merely surfacing to make way for the transcendental that will never quite make it beyond the grips of the dismal. Her mass weighing heavy drifting here beneath the waters.

Bringing me to realize that I'm drowning in my need and instead of letting me breathe, you are simply smothering me with your uncertainty.

Roll the Dice

I don't think I was meant to be out of a relationship. Being single is not my issue, it is only an issue when people want to talk to me or show interest.

I'm so used to being in a relationship and having a person like me for me that I have forgotten how to be coy and mysterious. I am clingy and all up in people's asses when that is not really me, nor is it what I want. I realize that I miss the comfort and stability of a relationship.

I miss my Bunny.

I miss cuddles and being able to touch and snuggle to my discretion and to be completely me without any pretense of wit or intelligence. I want to be able to relax in my sweats and not have to have mascara on my face to pretty it up.

I want to be able to not have to keep my living arrangements a secret out of embarrassment.

I don't know how to date. I am still in relationship mode so please people, stop trying to like me and be around me. I find that you are a replacement for what I want. Temporary.

I heard you need to stop doing permanent things with temporary people. So leave me alone right? I'm temporary. You don't want me and I don't want you. I am confused and some days I miss my Bunny. My Bunny I say!

I miss what was, so I manifest it into what is, except what is is not what will be and so I say, "Leave me be."

I like single. I can handle single. I can't handle another relationship. I can't handle this talking business. I don't understand it nor the rules involved.

I suck at this game.

My Mind's Got the Runs

And today I've got nothing but blurbs and thoughts because they have been circling and leaving me disabled, stretched out and feeling labeled. Marked for dead. X marks the spot. The spot dripping red.

There was once a time when I loved. I loved with all my heart, but she didn't want it. It wasn't for her. Love wasn't enough. She wanted more. She wanted in. She wanted the moon and the stars. I thought they were reflected in my eyes, she with me, the sun to my universe. She couldn't see. The looking glass kept her from it and so she looked elsewhere. Elsewhere leaving me barren and laden across the lands of no man. No man's land. And I wonder was it something in your head you were fighting all along? Was it something I wouldn't even if I could?

Fallen tears measurements of untouched years that my mind has already been to, where I've seen a me and you.

All while...

The residual remains resurfacing from time to time just to remind me that you were real and I try to smother it to keep it from going deeper than skin just so I can retell the story so I may pretend it/you didn't travel so far and yet you swim, swim within me, inhibit my creativity and my ability to create connections and bonds fearing severance and bombs. I can no longer take not longs and forever transformed to never.

So I find you...

Looking for a way out just for a way in. Tasting the deliciousness of her flesh eating sin. And what lies will surface as time does pass. Mirror simply reflecting glass.

And I find that,

I'm allergic to liars. I guess that's why my eyes keep watering every time you come around.

So,

Keep pretending that I don't exist. cast me off. Shield your eyes from the dark abyss…

Because I shall emerge.

I shall emerge where...

We lived in a land of make believe formed of broken promises and broken hearts. We emerged jaded and tainted attempting to wipe all feeling away. It rubbed me raw. Raw that soon faded to numb. Now there is nothing. All for the risk. All for the fun.

And now I'm,

Chasing death so she can't catch up to me.

Here I discovered a place a place where I've decided.

Fuck your favor. My occupation does not depend on your spatial limitations.

And that? That is all she wrote.

Fufu

Last night I got a blocked call. All I could think was, "Bunny?" with the thought in my mind I felt weak and helpless.

Some days are harder than others. In the beginning every day was hard. Everyday I felt like pieces of flesh were being ripped away from my ribs. My stomach was constantly unsettled and I lost 5 pounds in that week alone.

I had things to do and I tried to stay involved, but it was the hardest thing to accept. It was heartbreaking to know that all we had worked for could be ripped from me with nothing more than a days notice. To be lied to. To be made to feel loved, to be told there is nothing to worry about and then realize no there is nothing to worry about, only someone.

She got roses. I got cold indifference and chills.

Being places reminds me of her. And my stomach starts to have a fit again. I shop thinking I'm shopping for two. Going out in certain areas always brings tears to my eyes.

I want to destroy memories and yet I let them fester infecting my heart and decaying my mind. Randomly your name comes to me. Visuals of times when you were all mine.

I miss our way of cuddling. I miss your selfish comfort. I miss the silliness, the goofiness, the simplicity that was you and me. I'd even play that game I hate just to have you beside me again.

I miss you wanting me and yet I should have known that you would have outgrown me. I was a temporary luxury. You didn't really want you and me and so I sit in Niagara Falls unable to move for fear that I will be confronted by another memory of what used to be.

Mythos should change their name to Michaels and Elmwood should relocate. I should not be allowed to take walks. Cider should no longer be sold in stores. DuPont would be better shut down and Richmond should remain a city in Virginia and keep itself out of Buffalo. You should too.

I thank God for inner circles and my lack of mingling. I would break down. I always think I'm ok and I thought I would be. You didn't lie about how we felt, but I've come to realize I did. I lied. I thought I wasn't IN love and I couldn't have been farther from the truth.

And now I am sitting nursing a broken heart because I thought this was the way. Easy Street. Now the hole in my heart is my only reminder that I'm alive.

I keep trying to see the positive, but I guess that's why you left. Always angling things in a negative light. Just never able to get it quite right.

People say things and as much as you hurt me, I can think nothing except that I hope you're happy. I hope you think about me one day with fond memories and that she doesn't hurt you. You deserve the best and only you know what will make you happy.

I just remember when it was me. And I wish I still could be.