He signed it. The bill has been passed.
I think it's time to go home.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Day 317
Friday March 7, 2014
I'm back to struggling. She is gone. I am hurting again.
Lonely.
Lonely is a terrible place to inhabit. I'm planning to move soon, but every time I feel the need to be mobile, I realize my need and my capabilities do not intersect.
It rained this morning. Long hard and thunderous. It was relaxing. I slept.
I slept all through that rain except for the brief moments my mind tried to take in the beauty of it.
Half my day is wasted. I am writing essays and looking at schools that might find me a fit candidate. Except I needed to have been thinking about this sooner, except why would I?
The only reason I am searching now is because I am lost and need to be found again. Why must this be happening to my service. I feel like such a failure.
It's too much. I am choosing between my commitment or compromising my beliefs.
I've been so angry lately and heavily emotionally charged.
It's draining. So I am distracting myself with books and wedding dresses and writing. It doesn't help.
My mind is ever circling around possibilities and consequences of each. It's too much.
An unrequested burden.
I'm back to struggling. She is gone. I am hurting again.
Lonely.
Lonely is a terrible place to inhabit. I'm planning to move soon, but every time I feel the need to be mobile, I realize my need and my capabilities do not intersect.
It rained this morning. Long hard and thunderous. It was relaxing. I slept.
I slept all through that rain except for the brief moments my mind tried to take in the beauty of it.
Half my day is wasted. I am writing essays and looking at schools that might find me a fit candidate. Except I needed to have been thinking about this sooner, except why would I?
The only reason I am searching now is because I am lost and need to be found again. Why must this be happening to my service. I feel like such a failure.
It's too much. I am choosing between my commitment or compromising my beliefs.
I've been so angry lately and heavily emotionally charged.
It's draining. So I am distracting myself with books and wedding dresses and writing. It doesn't help.
My mind is ever circling around possibilities and consequences of each. It's too much.
An unrequested burden.
Day 316
Thursday March 6, 2014
Today a boda man attempted to rob me. Lucky for me he was unsuccessful since all my money and phone and everything was inside my bag.
I was walking to the bus. It was quarter to seven.
There was a boda guy driving on the sidewalk. I kept thinking, why is he doing that, but at the same time it wasn't my first time witnessing a boda doing just what they wanted to do, so I kept walking.
I had my backpack on and my messenger bag across me, both too heavy to do more than a medium paced walk.
So I'm walking and just as the boda man passes me, he reaches out his arm and clutches my messenger bag with a grip from hell while simultaneously speeding up.
All I could do was scream, "You mother..." and I trailed off. Shaken. I don't even think I tried to grab my bag. I got lucky the strap didn't just snap as I know he was expecting.
In that moment though, I felt a real vulnerability that I have never felt before. I felt a helplessness that I am not accustomed to and I wanted to land on my knees and cry right there in the streets.
The thing that disturbed me most was not the boda man and the intensity and seeming hatred and lack of regard I felt that he had for me, but that there was a security guard sitting just feet away, watching and laughing at the whole scene, not trying to help me, but just observing. There was another man who was coming the same direction as the boda man had who did the same. Just sneered at me in a mocking manner.
That was difficult to swallow.
So I just kept moving. Checked to make sure I didn't lose anything and walked to my bus.
I have been on edge since. Throughout that bus ride I kept seeing the boda man coming towards me and feeling the yank around my neck and the accelerated speed of the motorcycle.
I understand why robberies are now so traumatizing. It's funny that unless you are that person, a person who has been victimized or a certain group of people, you don't understand them unless you are them.
That's how I feel with this legislation. People can be as outraged as they want and hurt as they would like to be, but unless they are LGBT, I feel like it doesn't hit the same.
How could it?
Today a boda man attempted to rob me. Lucky for me he was unsuccessful since all my money and phone and everything was inside my bag.
I was walking to the bus. It was quarter to seven.
There was a boda guy driving on the sidewalk. I kept thinking, why is he doing that, but at the same time it wasn't my first time witnessing a boda doing just what they wanted to do, so I kept walking.
I had my backpack on and my messenger bag across me, both too heavy to do more than a medium paced walk.
So I'm walking and just as the boda man passes me, he reaches out his arm and clutches my messenger bag with a grip from hell while simultaneously speeding up.
All I could do was scream, "You mother..." and I trailed off. Shaken. I don't even think I tried to grab my bag. I got lucky the strap didn't just snap as I know he was expecting.
In that moment though, I felt a real vulnerability that I have never felt before. I felt a helplessness that I am not accustomed to and I wanted to land on my knees and cry right there in the streets.
The thing that disturbed me most was not the boda man and the intensity and seeming hatred and lack of regard I felt that he had for me, but that there was a security guard sitting just feet away, watching and laughing at the whole scene, not trying to help me, but just observing. There was another man who was coming the same direction as the boda man had who did the same. Just sneered at me in a mocking manner.
That was difficult to swallow.
So I just kept moving. Checked to make sure I didn't lose anything and walked to my bus.
I have been on edge since. Throughout that bus ride I kept seeing the boda man coming towards me and feeling the yank around my neck and the accelerated speed of the motorcycle.
I understand why robberies are now so traumatizing. It's funny that unless you are that person, a person who has been victimized or a certain group of people, you don't understand them unless you are them.
That's how I feel with this legislation. People can be as outraged as they want and hurt as they would like to be, but unless they are LGBT, I feel like it doesn't hit the same.
How could it?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)