So yesterday morning I have to be to work at 8:30 a.m. for an inservice meeting. People? I am always late to work. It does not matter what time I wake up. It does not matter what I do. I am always late. Not even just to work. To life. I will be late to my own funeral. Something will happen where the hearse with my body does not show up on time because that is just the way things work for me. I am never on time to a damn thing. My friends secretly and sometimes not so secretly hate me for this. I sometimes secretly hate myself for it too, but most times I think it is an uncanny ability. Like a hidden talent. Yeah... a hidden talent. I mean, I feel that somebody has to be quite gifted to be late the way I consistently am. Consistently.
Well so I walk into the meeting about 7-9 minutes late. No one really says anything. A couple looks, but nothing big and I am lugging this tote that after about fifteen minutes of listening to nothing, I leave to bring into my office. I return only to leave about 15 minutes later so that I can check my emails, make a quick call and return to the meeting again. This return only has me sitting there on my cellular device responding to texts and checking facebook.
I have to get up again. This time I find myself in the hall and about five minutes after I have been out there, a nurse comes rushing out of the room exclaiming that she has got to go to the bathroom and she is looking entirely distressed. Whoa. I couldn't help but laugh, and I am tired. Yes, of course I am going to laugh. A few minutes later, maybe two or three all you hear from the bathroom, which is right next to the room where the meeting was, is spffff spfffffff spffff. This would be the sound of a can of air freshener being used. I almost lost it. After you hear the water shut off and she emerges from the lavatory, she mumble under her breath coupled with a sigh of relief, "That feels better." She said it so matter of factly and with such a sense of relief, I knew that I was about to lose it in her face if I did not look away. That is the key. To not laugh at someone in their face you either 1-look away and hold that sucker in or, and I usually take this route, 2-remove yourself from the situation so you can let that sucker out. Sitting suckers just get sticky and messy. I would rather release myself from that possible embarrassment.
Yesterday I was at a friend's house and watched Law and Order for the first time. I couldn't stop laughing and criticizing the way that things just fell so neatly into the detective's laps. It was quite hilarious. I am also very confused by people. Have you ever had someone who you were laughing with all night and then you say one thing and they go stone face on you like they can't believe you would try to make a funny? That happened to me last night, except I didn't feel bad and retreat into a shell, I just began to laugh harder because I was in such disbelief at the stink eye that was handed to me.
Well it was time to leave and so I get into my vehicle, tired as ever and I am singing along to the radio when all of a sudden I feel this feeling on my inner thigh. That feeling was a spider. As I go to make the 'feeling' stop I feel in the cup of my hand a creature with a number of legs and he is scooped to the floor as the stopping motion picks up in speed once my brain registers the 'feeling' as more than just a feeling. I had my thigh lifted in the air for the next six minutes which felt like the longest six minutes of my natural life.
Anyways, today I had a presentation to do at my old school encouraging students to study abroad. Cake walk, mostly since it was an enjoyable topic to talk about and also because one of the girls that I was working with is an absolute angel. I swear. God sent her from above because she basically did everything. I mean everything. Love her. But, that was fun, I didn't have to do much of anything.
So again I am at work today and I feel that I don't want to be. It is nearly 3:30 and I am ready to go. I will not be able to until the earliest four thirty. I thought I had so much more to say but clearly not. Maybe I shall have to resume this at a later date. Hmmm... Nope. Got nothing. Oh, no I do.
So on Tuesday, I have an educational piece to do for a group of about thirty in a rehab clinic. The topic was HIV and AIDS, yes I am the HIV educator, so yes it would make sense that I would have this be something that I do. I am not sure if you know me, but let me tell you, I hate talking in front of people. Some of you may find this difficult to believe, but nonetheless it is true. The day before when I found out that I had to do this presentation, I was freaking out. Heart palpitations all over the place. I woke up that day having a knot in my stomach in five minutes before the actual moment of doom, I not only thought I was going to throw up, but I also wanted to. When you feel like you have to, doing it always makes you feel better. Just saying. Needless to say, I did not throw up even though the desire was there. I did however sweat profusely, which is a problem at times since I frequently forget to apply deodorant to my underarms. Why you ask? Don't because I don't know why. When I start smelling then I will start wearing the stuff, until then I will just sweat at these occasions and fear that I may begin to smell.
I realize that I do a lot of weird and gross things. When the laundry starts to pile up, but I still have clothes to wear, I will run out of underwear thus forcing me to either go commando or do my laundry. My thinking is that since I still have clothes to wear, the laundry doesn't really need to be done. I know when I am reaching that fork in the road of panties or no panties when I begin wearing thongs. Thongs are the panties of last resort. Unless I am trying to-ahem-look sexy for a designated amount of time, I do not wear them. They suck. They make me feel as if I have a constant wedgie and my hand is time and time again finding its way to the back of my pants relieving the tension between my butt cheeks and the dental floss that has found itself lodged in between them. Thongs were the invention of a devil man. Devil. He was angry at his girlfriend. Just saying.
Yes, I do a plenty of things wrong. I over eat, hence the mom comments, I over shop--- Ooh, but today I found myself in a pair of cute little booties all for twenty bucks. I am on a shopping kick and I get paid tomorrow? Oh yeah. Excited about that. Hoping to find some good stuff. Ok. I need to get back to work now. Since I have been doing none of it all day. None. Yes none. Ok. I go now, the creeper is here and I want to be away from him. Oh God, blog world doesn't know about the creeper.
The creeper has kids in college, is crossing his legs in front of me while rubbing his hands together like an evil villain and he looks at people like he wants to put them inside of his stomach. Gross. He is so damn creepy. "Let me show you the eateries." Maybe I am just not used to chivalry, but in this situation I feel as if it is not necessary so if he holds another door open for me and stares at my chest once more, I feel that I may scream while opening the car door to sustain injuries that will place me in the hospital, far far away from him. What a creep. Yuck.
Ok, now I go.
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