WTF?!

So Tuesday I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I felt like a crazy person headed to the looney bin. First off, I wake up after having the weirdest dream of life within a 45 minute go back to sleep period. So once I laugh that off, I have this weird yet intense feeling of anxiety settle over me and next thing you know everything has me on the verge of tears. Twenty minutes late to work and I am about to cry. Having to pay the toll and tears are welling. I hit my third red light and my eyes are going wet. Not to mention I am typing up a fact sheet on the transmission of HIV and oral sex and I have to stop because my mind is going crazy and my eyes are responding. What the hell is that about? I mean the little demon monsters came and ate my ovaries already and aren't due back for some time now. So what is the issue?

All I know is that I was having serious anxiety. My heart was beating so badly I was nervous that it was going to beat out of my chest or crack my ribs at the least. My hands were sweating like a criminals and before it got to this stage which was the second half of my morning, I had already decided that I was going to run away, that I needed to.

Funny. My best friend did this running away thing back when she was sorta around my age. She was being detained, found herself in a bathroom, jumped out of the window and wasn't heard from for a week. Then she brought it home with a quick weekend in Niagara Falls where I finally was able to talk to her and we drank sweety little twist offs and watched Up and My Sister's Keeper. Cried during them both. Couldn't.

I'm just saying, if I am going to run away, I want it to be as theatrical as hers. Oh right, I forgot to mention, people were looking for her. People were at the bus station, at her house, going all around Buffalo looking for her praying to God she hadn't completely lost it and done anything crazy or stupid. Luckily she just disappeared and was alive and well.

I am thinking of going to someplace too. I can't disclose the information... well I suppose I could because it doesn't matter if you know where I am going if you don't know where I am. I am thinking of Chicago, Boston, San Diego, Atlanta, Vermont, Montana, even Minnesota just to run away to where I don't know anyone, they don't know me and I can start with a fresh clean slate. I want to be able to start over and London is much too far away at this moment. I am losing it over here although I must confess, I bring it upon myself.

So you know these Jerk-off McGees that I am always falling for, that all girls seem to fall for? Well, I am one. My best friend who did this running away business also told me that 647 was my karma. Well aint karma a real bitch? I have to say that was one of the worst parts of being stuck in that situation, I knew the actions and reactions and I knew why some things could be said and then others couldn't. As the Jerk-off McGee, you can genuinely like a person all while knowing that it isn't going anywhere, but you don't necessarily want to lose a person, so even though you know that they like you way more than you like them, you keep them around by doing just enough and just enough will work for a long long time. Also with Jerk-off McGee, you can say so much more than you do, that is a key characteristic. McGees stay with an arsenal of quick fixes and nice lines to make you feel a certain way that their lack of actions will never back, but the words will keep someone fixed for longer than you think.

It takes a strong strong woman to get away from the sticky grips of a Jerk-off McGee. Seeing how I am part of the problem aka I have definitely been the Jerk-off McGee and so I should know. I'm really good at being that person, that Jerk-off McGee person. Usually when someone likes me, I most definitely don't like them back. Sometimes they get lucky though. That sounds really conceited, but I swear, it is such a pattern. I never like people, but the people that like me are the people I say I want, but then I really don't. Ugh. What do I want? I think it is time for me to go on that silent retreat I found out about because I need to find myself. I mean I am 23 (got it right this time), not 13. I should not just now be figuring shit out. I should have most of it down and just working out the kinks. It is not time to run away. Who runs away in their 20s? Kids run away. Not adults and if adults do, it is because they are unstable.

Oh my God. I'm unstable.

My life is out of control and I am not sure what I am supposed to do to get it back on track. The move back to London is supposed to help, but I need to act, not avoid. Avoidance is such a pleasant coping mechanism though. My favorite manifestation of the mechanism would be sleeping. If only I could sleep my life away until the interesting parts. The parst where I have my career-and I am successful, I have my house, I have whomever-cat or partner, and I am driving something other than the Money Maker. At this point I would like to have also been to more than 9 countries not including the United States, Canada, or Mexico.

I think I am going to take a nap. Maybe when I wake up either I will quit my Jerk-off ways seeing that karma taught me a thing or two. That or I'm going to be in my sitting room of my house with a cat on my lap and a book in my hand thinking about ways to rule the board room on Monday. Whichever.