Shenanigans

I just wrestled with taking off a pair of wedge boots on the floor of my computer room for a good two and a half minutes before I could get on here and say what else has happened in between the last time I shared and now.

Well besides the shoes, I peed on the floor of the bathroom at my job the other day. You know, when you squat and you are trying to hit the front rim of the toilet so no one has to hear you expel the toxin called urine from your body and at the same time you are in a public bathroom so you are not sitting on the seat because gross and so you don't want your own piss splashing up at you from the force of it hitting the water since you have waited until the last second to pee because you really didn't want to have to use the bathroom at work which is still considered a public restroom and why do they call it a restroom anyways? Who's resting in there? Don't you know there are germs in there? No one is sitting in there, at least I hope not. I know that I am not able to rest with all the different avenues that the germs can find their way upon my being, I don't have time to rest. Germ fighting is a no resting kinda gig. So in my serious concentration about my rear not hovering too close to the seat to be considered sitting and trying to find the sweet spot of the front of the toilet, I found myself distracted reaching for the toilet paper and low and behold, my golden piss is flowing past the top of the seat and dribbling down the base to the floor and there she rests. I got my pee back under control and walked out of there as if it never happened, except it did. Shame.

I also managed to lose my credit card, the same day. Peeing on floors and misplacing credit cards. What else is going to happen? The insanity. Well best friend and I are having a best friend kind of evening and we go to Taco Bell, Anderson's for ice cream and fries and then find ourselves at WalMart for some yarn and what not. In WalMart I am the nasty that everyone hates because I am trying on lipstick without purchasing any of them. I think I tried on like five different lipsticks. Maybelline isn't for everyone. Lipstick isn't for everyone. I was the person I hate though. Everyone wants to know what the lipstick is going to look like, but you have the decent people who if the make-up sucks they don't find out until they have paid their money and made it home and they try it on with that dress one night and realize that coral really isn't their color and so then it sits on their dresser, in a bathroom drawer for the end of eternity. I was not that person and so my lips have taken away the innocence and the magic of a fresh new lipstick from the store. I ruined that for at least five individuals, if not more. It wasn't intentional. I just don't really want to buy something if it is going to suck is all. I wish you could try everything before you purchased it or had to commit to it for an indefinitely long period of time. That only seems reasonable. Just a thought.

So we are walking around the store, lipstick in hand and we venture to the yarn center where it takes forever to pick out yarn. You would never think so, but there are so many options and colors and textures and soft levels. So, we finally make a decision and it is time to leave. My feet are hurting, it is a bit chilly outside and all I have is a thin blazer on and so I am ready. We get to the best friend's house and we are sitting there chatting and laughing like we usually do after our adventures, we need to recap and make sure we are on the same page, in case either of us missed anything. After about fifteen twenty minutes, best friend is talking about let's get something from the store. Shame because we were fiending. So we go down the street to the local Tops grocery market, because best friend is too good for the gas station.

As we are about to get out of the vehicle, I am searching my bra, my itty bitty blazer pockets, my panty line at my hips searching for my card. No where. So then I begin searching my bag. Not in there either. I check my bra one more time because you know, boobs attempt to eat things all the time. Still no card. We are looking in the seat, we are looking under the seat. We are looking on the floor, we are looking on the dash, on the sides of seats. Basically we are looking everywhere and there is no card. None. So best friend goes into the store as I am nearly on hands and knees looking under the seat and on the side of the seat again. No go. She comes back, I drop her off because yay me I get to go back to WalMart. Mind you, we have been gone a good half and hour plus. That card is long gone and I know I brought it out of the store with me. All I could keep thinking was damn it! I shouldn't have paid on that card because now the limit is so much higher, people could do some damage. Dang nation!!

Ok. So I drop her off and I am racing back to the damned WalMart. I finally get there and as I am pulling in I am thanking my lucky stars that I don't have a big 'ol van because the way I pulled into that parking lot made it look like I was on the prowl for little children with sticky fingers. Yes I was creeping scouring the ground hoping for a glint or gleam of my card. No go. I do a U-ie and am at it again. I then realize on my creep back, that I am really not going to find this card, so I park. I park in a parking spot and I get my bag out again. I must say, I love big bags, but they are good for losing things in. Knowing this, I went searching hard, again. No luck. So I give in to the fact that yes I have to walk back into WalMart with different colored lips on (I switched from the one I tried on in the store to another I bought) and hoping with a desperate beggars face on that someone has turned my card in or I left it with the lovely cashier who has been holding on to it awaiting my return.

Luckily I didn't have to show my new lips. As soon as I opened my door and put my high heeled hurting foot on the pavement, what do you see? Low and behold, there is my Discover card staring up at me. I just happened to park in the exact same parking spot as when we first went to WalMart. How unlikely is that? How lucky is that? So, with one foot out of the car I pick up my card, stuff it in my bra and realize that I get to go home. The charade is over.

Lessons learned here-
 1. Don't go to WalMart
 2. Stop wearing itty bitty blazers with next to nothing pockets
 3. Don't be a quitter
 4. Always choose dark colored cards-they blend into asphalt.
And last but not least-
 5. Your boobs will always be a safer place to stash things than pockets that can be picked.
(you're gonna know if your boobs are being picked).

So that concludes the nonsense of my life. I hope it was entertaining. I swear, I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached.