It is currently 8:30 in the morning. I realize that I haven't shared in awhile and I blame work. Work is where I get my best venting slash complaining out because that is the one place, the place where I spend the most of my waking hours which then leads me to vent slash complain, aka I hate my job. I blame work for not sharing because I used to write my blog at work. Instead of being fired for writing my blog at work, which I may have preferred, my internet was suspended as apparently this blog site nearly made our server crash. Thank God I am on a Mac now. Stupid PC. I lied I love PCs. They make my life simple besides, I am way too computer illiterate to walk through life trying to figure out high tech stuff aka I have no choice but to love PCs. Happens.
Ok, so back to work. I can't write my blog there, but that is the time when I need it the most. Why it almost made the server crash, I'm not sure, all I know is that I can't write and express myself, but half the building in the administrative wing can sit on Facebook all day? Doesn't Facebook have a glorious amount of spam and server crashing possibilities up its sleeve? Really? Only my life source blog makes things crash? Lame.
So this weekend I found myself in Atlanta for Pride weekend and to celebrate a friend's birthday which was the weekend before. Can I say I maybe should have gotten flight cancellation insurance and cancelled my flight? What a hot mess I was. The first night I get there, things are crazy, it felt like cabin fever. My one friend lost her wallet which led to a conspiracy theory that still to this day has not been uncovered. We drank our lives away and of course I hadn't eaten so my life drinking resulted in life upchucking and also tears. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I cried. I cried my little eyes out so badly because I was in love or loved, or liked a lot or whatever. I really liked someone and I clearly didn't know what to do with it, because instead of acting like an adult, I was little kid crying on the bathroom floor of a hotel room kissing the porcelain throne. Who does that? I do that.
Needless to say I am an embarrassment to myself, but at the end of my little kid cry, when the culprit left the room, oh right, yes the person who I was crying over was most definitely right in my face, when they left I not only cried harder, but sound effect cried. You know the cry with the sob in between? Serious crying, had to catch my breath hard to talk, I look like shit crying. Never again. You would think that crying like that would possess special powers though because it takes so much out of a person. Let me tell you, save it, because there are no such special powers except for the uncanny ability to make you look pathetically unstable and desperado. You don't want that. It's not a good look for anyone.
So the following night, things are better, I've got my cry out, so I should be good right? Wrong. My feelings didn't just go away and the night before plus earlier that day have done nothing but made my head reel and I am more confused than ever with questions and questions and I am going to be late to work seeing that I need to be there in 19 minutes, still haven't even showered. But that is besides the point. So the next night I get grilled, you could have served me for a healthy dinner because that is how well done I was. Out of control. Grilled about nonsense and no matter what my answer, no matter how many languages I could have spoken it in (not very many), my answer wasn't good enough and thus couldn't possibly be believed. Shame.
Ok, you wonder shame, I liked so hard in this situation that I was acting like I was superman, acting like I was going to stop the world just for some extra time with this girl. No point in stopping the world if no one is going to notice.
It's funny though because us girls, yes I will go right here in this category, we say that all we want is someone good, but let that someone good come around, then we ignore the shit out of them, not to mention treat them like shit because if someone is nice, things are confusing, nice isn't nice. Nice isn't fun. Nice isn't what we really want, because as soon as Jerk-off McGee comes along, that is who we are falling for. That is who we are in it to win it for, but for what? For lonely nights and missed phone calls? For shed tears that fall upon calloused eyes and deafened ears? To feel nothing but a love unrequited that runs deeper than one's essence.
That to me is no way to feel and that to me is nothing to deal with. I know I'm not the best, but I deserve better. One should never have to settle for something that doesn't make them feel good and feel satisfied, no matter how much they want someone, because if they deserve you, they will appreciate your try. It won't just be one sided.
I had to learn this the hard way. Funny thing is that I am always learning this the hard way. I continually think that one day I will be enough for a Jack-off McGee and time and time again, I am proven wrong. It just has taken some time for me to see that it isn't me that isn't enough. I just need to stop lowering my standards, stop placing myself below par to fit to people who don't match me.
Have you ever heard of the phrase "have your cake and eat it to?" Well I had a friend who told her significant other that and he became confused saying that of course if I have cake I'm going to want to eat it too, what does that mean?! So my friend explained it like this, you want your cake, cookies, pie, tarts, you want it all. Then he understood. We have this tendency of liking these people who are unwilling to give us anything in return, but because we like them so much we stick around. We deal, convinced that one day things will get better. It is like setting a feast for the person. You want to please them and do everything you can for the person that you set up a feast for them (usually you and others) and instead of sitting down at the table with them like equals you are on hands and knees begging for whatever scraps they care to share, but because you have put so much work and time into preparing the meal (the relationship) and you like the person sooooo much, you are willing to take whatever they give you because at least it is a piece.
Well, I have decided that I am tired of settling for scraps and acting like a beggar. There are too many people who would like to sit down to dinner and share with me instead of throwing me scraps. So ready to be on the same page. Finished one book. Time to start another although, that last story really threw me. I think I might just do some writing of my own this time. I can't bear right now to have another's input. Some stories will do that to you.
I'm just waiting for my happy ending. That or my loft and three cats. Whichever comes first.
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