I remember when I thought hiccups were cute

1/18/17

And I have a confession. I have sinned. I have tainted our progress and have the full taste of shame and sorrow and guilt sitting between my teeth.

Still.

Yesterday at work I ordered food. There is more to this story, but just in case you know work people are reading this, "HI!" 👋👋👋

So anyways. I spent. I spent $5.

And I cried. A lot.

You may be sitting there thinking to yourself, $5 that's nothing. It's only $5.

ONLY $5?!

That is $5 not in leftover savings. That's $5 off our grocery or gas or my transportation budget. That five bucks just set us back potatoes, some onions or a days worth of gas.

When I had to shell out that $5 my whole body felt icky. I immediately turned red, searing fire licking at every inch of my skin, while I simultaneously lost all heat in every extremity and felt like I was going to pass out all while nearly bursting into tears in front of my co-workers.

I felt/feel like a fraud. I've been boasting and yelling and professing #nospend2017 from every rooftop to every ear and here I am. Spending. 

I'm ashamed and yet so glad that I have a wonderful wife who reassured me that she's not disappointed or upset even though I am. She let me know that I just fucked up and essentially fucked our budget a bit this week- that $5 really has to come from somewhere. I want to give her a pass since I technically had one, but she refused and I'm so grateful. I'm happy that this little bump won't derail us, that we are dealing with the consequences of my selfishness, and this highlights my guilt as the wife has to suffer now too in some way because now there are even less pennies to punch this week. Not to mention we have a Toronto trip planned (in the budget because my wife has to see her family) and need extra gas money.

I thought I would be stronger than this. But this situation let me know that as much as I would like to think that I am, I'm not perfect and honesty really is the best policy.

So this lesson sucked, but it's fortified in me my drive to keep going and to be true to the #nospend2017

Also #nospend2017 isn't about deprivation, but really reavualting what we want/need and when and why. I didn't need that food last night. I was bored and greedy. I'm not happy for the infraction, but happy to have it confirm the lessons that I'm attempting to digest.

On to better days. More than two weeks and two days better days.

And days where I don't forget my chapstick. My lips really hurt and the stress from confessing this has me licking my lips excessively. Everything in excess!

😰😰😰

The Process

1/17/17

We started to go through what we have for food and what not and decided that we can't but more of an item until what we have stocked is used up.

Example- coffee. ☕

Melinda has about 20 options for coffee in our cupboard presently. We collectively decided that she can't buy new coffee until the current coffee has been depleted.

I have a stockpile of frozen vegetables in our freezer taking up valuable space. I can't buy any broccoli or cauliflower until that stuff is buh byed. Because why? Because waste and excess and we don't need to stockpile of we aren't going to use it.

Stockpile shit you need, not stuff you want to need. Ooh. Look at me coming up with phrases.

I'm feeling pretty good about where we are and what we are doing. Plus bills are seriously getting paid. Look at us go. :)

Now to move onto clothes. The purge continues.

Target. Dear Target.

January 14 2017

Fuck you Target!

Yes. That's how I needed to start this post because today we endured the ultimate test- a trip to Target.

Target where I get my rugs. Target with its $1 bargain buys. Target with shoes and plates and makeup bags and lamps and towels and couches and frames and decor. Oh Target how you taunt me.

My father bought us a microwave for christmas, which I did ask for, but after chrfkibg reviews we realized that we would be soon replacing our new microwave and ain't nobody got time for that in #nospend2017, so we were in target to make a return.

The only thing is that while in the line for customer service we saw a lady handing stuff out so of course we both look at each other knowingly and Melinda dashes out of line and gets the deets.

She returns with a reusable target bag (which God knows we don't need another bag reusable or otherwise in our house) and information about free samples/giveaways conveniently located arund the store.

So we return the microwave, get out giftcard, grab a buggy to give us the appearance of shopping and we go forth on our quest to find the free stuff. Along the way I picked up a hypothetical scarf, Melinda shoe polish. After those two items we stopped as it hurt too much.

We circled the store looking for stations and got four of them. Although we weren't sure if there were more (I later read the leaflet the handed us at the first station which was at the entrance telling us where all the freebies were), we decided that after finding cat food that was cheaper anywhere else that we needed to leave.

There was too much stuff! Cards and stationary. Games and pillow cases. Bathroom floor mats, tinsel, vases, trays. Everything I never knew I ever wanted-because I don't really.

And so we got our cat food and left. Oh and we bought it on our giftcard. Thanks for the Christmas gift dad. :)

This is getting tough

1/12/17
So it has been 12 days. Not even a full week and #nospend2017 is already proven to be difficult. Two things, well multiple things.

1. We started envelopes
2. We've already had to readjust the starting budget for one of those envelopes
3. Budgeting is hard
4. Shutterfly has unlimited prints right now and I want to order them but can't because you know shipping and handling
5. My wife did her first spending yesterday! Under budget again!
6. We keep trying to make excuses for things like wine and this party we want to go to but can't because Toronto and no free parking
7. This shit is making us resourceful as fuck.
8. This shit is making us a little depressed as fuck.
9. Dinners have been on point.
10. People have been super kind and generous and are making this first month a (relative) breeze from my parents to our friends to co-workers who don't have to, but have shared food, money (as in they bought stuff and shared it with us), wine-and yeah we have awesome people around us.
11. We are beginning to understand that if we didn't pack enough food that morning or night, then SOL to us because there is no Burger King or McDonald's or even an order of fries. Game done if we did not plan ahead.
12. Banana bread with part wheat flour =💣.com
13. I'm feeling very creative
14. We have more time.
15. We have had many revelations about life/society/culture/greed/the difference between wants and needs
16. It is only January 12th
17. My wife suggested hiking
18. We are waiting for summer (for more free stuff to do)
19. I don't feel like I need to spend money
20. Sometimes I want to spend money
21. My wife and I think this is going to be a real game changer

I heard a phrase today. A French phrase (thanks Twinsters). The phrase is...

"le mieux est l'ennemi du bien"

Translated as "the best is the enemy of the good." Meaning we should be happy with what we have. That we shouldn't always be searching for better, but to be satisfied and happy with what we have presently. It really spoke to me especially considering #nospend2017 and it is going to be part of my mantra moving forward. I don't think it means to settle (in a shitty situation), but I think it speaks to joy and contentment and everyday beauty and moments. And that. That makes me smile. So hears a big Fuck yeah even if it's a struggle. Here's to you #nospend2017 😘😘😘

First day of spending

January 5th- day 5 of 365.

I shouldn't have written it like that. A year is a long time when you say it in days. 365. Three hundred and sixty five. At least it's not a leap year this year.

So today was the first day of spending. I went to Aldi. The budget for groceries is $37.50 a week. I spent $35.64 and I'm so glad I came under budget because I walked into the store initially with cash only and then I went back and I brought my wallet as a just in case. I'm so happy that I got lucky and under budget because it encouraged me to not think like oh I can just bring my cards. No! I can't. This is a budget. A serious one. Not a oh hey you know just seeing where this goes. This is for real!

So anyways. That was my moment today. We've been paying bills and trying to get the gas and grocery under control. This stuff is not easy.

And the poor wife is starving and deprived at work because she can't go to Tim Horton's anymore. Poor gal. She's been making her lunch like a trooper, but doesn't want leftovers. Hopefully this will start to become less of a thing. She can't afford to not eat. Haha. Get it? Afford in a post about finances?! 😂😂😂

Ok. I'm done. Time for bed and budget reconfiguration in the a.m.

No Spend 2017

So today is January 4th 2017. I really feel like I live in the future. We have screens at our fingertips for entertainment, information, emotional support, connection to people miles away. I mean things are kind of trippy if you think about it.

With all of our technological advances we keep getting more and more, but fewer and fewer of us are happy. Happiness, in this land of stuff and gadgets is still fleeting and chased after. Somehow in this time of now and more and bigger and better happiness doesn't seem to be one of those bigger and better things.

Everything nowadays is disposable. Friends. Clothes. Significant others. Family. Home items. Cars. There is always a newer better version of what we have right now. We are never satisfied. We tire of the old, casting it off as if it never held any value, yet it was once what we lusted after before getting rid of the version before it.

Insatiable. So in an attempt to combat this, the wife and I have started a No Spend 2017. Yup. 365 days of not spending money unless we need to aka bills, gas, groceries. No eating out. No buying drinks. No movies. No concerts. No weekend trips. Nothing. There may also be some paring down along this journey, but for now baby steps.

We started this as an attempt to pay off our consumer debt. Its a little overwhelming and we have plans for our life that doesn't include drowning in debt to institutions. So before January 1st we may have front loaded a bit, buying whatever we felt we needed, but wouldn't be able to buy come 1/1. These were things like a rug pad, a new coat, leggings, and of course wine.

We have created a budget and decided to allocate every available dollar to credit card debt, the mortgage, and savings. Savings. The hardest part is to put savings away.

Now there are stipulations. If we really want something then we have to use a giftcard or work it into the budget. But we may not work everything into the budget. If we do something extra then it takes from something else like the groceries budget. That's really all it can pull from. Because we don't have anything else. Except a contigency fund, but that's for emergencies, not fun.

So this year we are exploring minimalism. Less stuff. Less clutter. Less stress. And to start we aren't buying anything extra. We are going to live within our means, stop comparing ourselves to others and this American dream and see how far we can get and if just maybe happiness comes to us. We're tired of the chase.

It has been so long since I have written. It is 2:08 p on a Wednesday. I am on break from my grad classes. Trying to finish homework that as per usual I have left until the very last moment. I am drinking a screwdriver, having conversations with the wife via text and listening to Georgia on My Mind. I am having thoughts on life. Wondering what the fuck the purpose is and how to really tame happiness. That last line made me smile.

Things. I used to have so many stories. I'm in a life rut currently. Hustling. These past few years have been hustle years. Years to get me, to get us to where we want to be. So no travels. Limited fun, aside from what we make and tears. School tears. Neighborhood tears. Family tears. All of the tears.

Did everyone know that my wife's brother's wife is having a baby in February? Did anyone know that I am terribly and disgustingly jealous. Jealous enough that I could play the part of Elphaba in Wicked? Like all jokes aside. I'm green. Seasick green. I'm jealous because I wish it was that easy for us. I want to just be whoops pregnant one day. I mean don't get me wrong, it's a definite blessing. Never have to worry about the whoops, but even if we were ready to try, we have to have anywhere from $500-$20,000 to get sperm, to swap eggs, to fertilize- all depending on what route we go. But no matter what route we go, we have to fork over money. We have to pay to be pregnant and not like stock up on some diapers, a crib and stroller the baby's coming pay to be pregnant, but actually pay money to be fat. I barely want to do it as it is, but if I'm gonna do it, can I just have it be easy? Why do I also have to pay to suffer?

So this is me right now. Venting. Feeling. Throwing myself the best pity party since '07. And with that, I suppose I should finish this homework and pretend that I'm an adult again. An adult student. Fuck. How do I sound like an adult with the let me go finish my homework bit? Eff.

I quit.

I'm baaaaack

Oh hello there.

So I've been home from Africa for a year. A year and 3.5 months to be exact. How the time flies. Seriously. 

Since then I've gotten married (omg!), gotten a job (that I hate), and started the immigration process for my wife. It's the worst.

Just yesterday I woke up at 7a to call immigration as we put supporting documents through on 6.3.15. It's been two months. We haven't heard anything. So it was time to check the status of our application.

So after the first two attempts that resulted in an automated message that ended with a hang up, I got through. I got through to only be told that our electronic submission from two months ago was never received. Never received.

-----------------------

So... This happened and it is now 2 years that I've been back. The time really does fly. The wife got her visa just in February. We got through and everything went smoothly. It will be two years that we are married this year. 2. Dos. Two. Yeah I don't know anymore languages to say it in but oh my God. Two.

We have a house. No kids. Yet. And I'm currently gardening. Our city is going through a huge makeover, but only in very specific parts. Finding this house was a blessing. And also hard. Having a house is hard. What else. The wife got a job. Its amazing to live with her. It sometimes feels like she's only visiting, but the job has helped with the permanence.

I'm currently gardening. Yes. Me. Gardening. Kicking my ass. But, I'm in love with this house and the fact that we can make it our own. The neighbourhood is a bit wanting, but again, we have a house. Ours. All ours.

Things are good right now. So good.

Don't worry. I'll be back with more. Things are a bit domesticated right now. But something has to be said for stability. Its comforting. Feels safe.

Day 349

Tuesday April 8, 2014

I'm back in Buffalo. 

I'm lost and unsure of myself. 

It took a long while to decide, but I felt I did what was best for me and as much as a failure that I feel that I am, I also realized that I do not need to be in Uganda to be a Peace Corps volunteer.  

Day 307

Tuesday February 25, 2014

He signed it. The bill has been passed. 

I think it's time to go home. 

Day 317

Friday March 7, 2014

I'm back to struggling. She is gone. I am hurting again.

Lonely.

Lonely is a terrible place to inhabit. I'm planning to move soon, but every time I feel the need to be mobile, I realize my need and my capabilities do not intersect.

It rained this morning. Long hard and thunderous. It was relaxing. I slept.

I slept all through that rain except for the brief moments my mind tried to take in the beauty of it.

Half my day is wasted. I am writing essays and looking at schools that might find me a fit candidate. Except I needed to have been thinking about this sooner, except why would I?

The only reason I am searching now is because I am lost and need to be found again. Why must this be happening to my service. I feel like such a failure.

It's too much. I am choosing between my commitment or compromising my beliefs.

I've been so angry lately and heavily emotionally charged.

It's draining. So I am distracting myself with books and wedding dresses and writing. It doesn't help.

My mind is ever circling around possibilities and consequences of each. It's too much.

An unrequested burden.

Day 316

Thursday March 6, 2014

Today a boda man attempted to rob me. Lucky for me he was unsuccessful since all my money and phone and everything was inside my bag.

I was walking to the bus. It was quarter to seven.

There was a boda guy driving on the sidewalk. I kept thinking, why is he doing that, but at the same time it wasn't my first time witnessing a boda doing just what they wanted to do, so I kept walking.

I had my backpack on and my messenger bag across me, both too heavy to do more than a medium paced walk.

So I'm walking and just as the boda man passes me, he reaches out his arm and clutches my messenger bag with a grip from hell while simultaneously speeding up.

All I could do was scream, "You mother..." and I trailed off. Shaken. I don't even think I tried to grab my bag. I got lucky the strap didn't just snap as I know he was expecting.

In that moment though, I felt a real vulnerability that I have never felt before. I felt a helplessness that I am not accustomed to and I wanted to land on my knees and cry right there in the streets.

The thing that disturbed me most was not the boda man and the intensity and seeming hatred and lack of regard I felt that he had for me, but that there was a security guard sitting just feet away, watching and laughing at the whole scene, not trying to help me, but just observing. There was another man who was coming the same direction as the boda man had who did the same. Just sneered at me in a mocking manner.

That was difficult to swallow.

So I just kept moving. Checked to make sure I didn't lose anything and walked to my bus.

I have been on edge since. Throughout that bus ride I kept seeing the boda man coming towards me and feeling the yank around my neck and the accelerated speed of the motorcycle.

I understand why robberies are now so traumatizing. It's funny that unless you are that person, a person who has been victimized or a certain group of people, you don't understand them unless you are them.

That's how I feel with this legislation. People can be as outraged as they want and hurt as they would like to be, but unless they are LGBT, I feel like it doesn't hit the same.

How could it?

Day 300

Tuesday February 18, 2014

I have never been more surrounded and felt so alone. 

I haven't decided what I'm doing yet. 

Is this worth it? 

I can't figure. 

I have figured that I like squat toilets, no my squat toilet, better than sit down ones as I feel that they are more efficient. Not as comfortable, but I'm looking for efficiency and speed. 

Today my urethra and anus were performing remarkably similar jobs and so it was then as I was sitting with this pain in my abdomen that I realized the same pressure wouldn't be there if I was squatting. 

Another advantage of poo-ing in the comforts of your own home. 

Aside from those basic calls of nature, I'm finding myself battling with my heart and mind. I'm trying so very hard to placate and pacify the heart that my mind is going soft and becoming frustrated with my created reality. 

I am dooming myself. I am losing my sanity. 

I simply am.  

Day 299

Monday February 17, 2014

First day back at work. Monday meeting was simply a myth. 

Got there on time. No one around. Left. 

Went to golf course. Met up with another volunteer. 

Trying to finish a presentation for a pece corps workshop and presently it still isn't finished. Neither is my counterparts. 

Again. As my friend, love her. As my coworker, I can't. 

If I am asked to do another piece of her work. Ugh. I jut can't. 

Fast dinner after a long day. And I realize my patience is wearing thin. 

Museveni is to sign the Anti-homosexuality act and I can only laugh at the ignorance that surrounds the topic. In the same breath I want to weep. 

I don't know everything political, we can't be everywhere in the world, but this affects all allies and those of the LGBT community. 

I'm nervous that more will come from this law. I'm nervous for the conversations. 

I don't want to partake and yet it is difficult to not be offended when friends and family, loved ones are called abnormal and are wished to hell. 

I'm questioning my service. I'm questioning myself. Why am I doing this? 

Day 298

Sunday February 16, 2014

Unsuccessful day at the 'Internet cafe.'

Although dinner tonight was delicious. Homemade spaghetti and the tomatoes were cooked just right. 

Today was pleasant. We went to the market. To the supermarket and I tried to convey the enviable moments in the life that we now lived. I'm only hoping that they were transferred along. 

Sometimes it is lovely to be here. Sometimes it is not. 

Sometimes it just needs a good drink and others it needs a sober mind. 

It is no different than any other place except tht this place is not familiar to me and so I feel outcasted and alien. 

Two states of which I hate to be settled in. 

Day 296

Friday February 14, 2014

Valentine's Day. 

Gift from the hotel owner an it rightfully made us cheerful. 

Tomorrow we return back to the bowels of Kampala to make our way 'home.'

I'm trying to drink in these last moments where there hasn't been an argument, any prolonged unwanted stares, no questions, just moving. 

Man is not meant to roam alone, but man adapts, so why am I having such difficulty? 

Day 297

Saturday February 15, 2014

And we are on our way back. She dreading the bus, me not wanting to spare the expense of a private car. 

She won. 

It was nice to find ourselves at home, but then the children began to cry. 

No dinner as we ate along the way at a mzungu restaurant that I first ate at after a month at my homestay. 

I remembered it to be amazing. This time around it was simply edible. Ordinary. That may also be due to the splendor of food set before us for the past four days. 

I will miss bacon. 

I already miss bacon. 

I'm encouraged to purchase a toaster oven. 

Day 295

Thursday February 13, 2014

Flight cancelled. No more flights for awhile. New bed last night. Delicious dinner. Pork chops. Roasted potatoes. 

This was needed. 

Oh and the driver miraculously found my phone. Thank the eff. 

I've come to realize that the norms of this country have seeped into my bones and forced me to move about in its ab'normality.' 

Abnormal to what I know. Abnormal in my understanding of the world. 

In a world where there isn't a moment to breathe unless you pay ridiculous sums, but a world in which you are always an outsider. 

This may be negative thinking as I fully believe that Uganda is a beautiful place, I just feel beaten down by her at present. 

So off to another mzungu shop where the mzungus flock and cherish foods which comfort them and fill our stomachs. To quiet days with limited stares cause they can never be vanquished. 

And it is cause for reflection upon the life we are living, the life we have lived, and that of which we want. 

If only I could master the latter. 

Day 294

Wednesday February 12, 2014

Flight booked.

Slept on a real mattress, not one made of foam. My back is grateful.

Breakfast was superb. Fresh fruit. Eggs, homemade bread, butter (omg butter), and bacon. Homer Simpson, drooling from my mouth, bacon.

I think I'm in love.

Except when I woke up and opened my eyes I remembered that I lost my phone the night before. I remember having it all the way up until in the car, the driver says it's not there.

It is.

I also remember that this day will end at 5am tomorrow when she leaves.

How am I supposed to deal?

I can only imagine how skinny I will be again. That is the one consolation.

Day 293

Tuesday February 11, 2014

My mom gave us a journal for Christmas. A question a day journal (for couples).

Today's question;

"What would be a miracle today?"

My response;

"Making the flight."

We didn't make the flight.

After arriving home at 2:30 am and packing until nearly 4, we lay down after a roach attack (it was huge) and sleep for and hour and a half. Ok, maybe two hours. Regardless, not enough.

We make it to the bus in time. She's dying already. It probably doesn't help that 

1. She's not a morning person

2. There were no available two seaters

Although 2. quickly changed by the gesture of a sweet nyabo,

3. a chicken was placed underneath her seat

And so the five hour journey began as did my suicidal thoughts.

Cut to the walk through Kampala, the scrumptious lunch, the take out of even more money and the ride to the airport for the second time in two days (don't forget our ride back to Kampala the first day).

We get to the airport. Everything is great. We each have our yellow cards, we both don't need visas. Things are fine. 

Then we hit immigration. Melinda is apparently a country hopper. She won't be allowed on the plane without a flight home to Canada because she has a single entry visa to Uganda and they can not permit her on the plane unless after Thailand she is going home. 

Why they care where she goes after she leaves Uganda, I'm not sure. Why they won't reissue her a new visa once she comes back into the country, I'm also not sure as I hear that it is very very common.

Either way, we see the immigrations supervisor who tells her that they let someone recently go to Rome and Rome wouldn't let them in and sent them back to their home country. True? I haven't quite decided if I would like to swallow that.

Unfortunately I had no choice.

So it's decided. She's going tomorrow, but tonight we found a little B&B in Entebbe, because we can't be bothered to go back to Kampala.

_________

This place may be my/our salvation. She may change her mind. Maybe.