Day 317

Friday March 7, 2014

I'm back to struggling. She is gone. I am hurting again.

Lonely.

Lonely is a terrible place to inhabit. I'm planning to move soon, but every time I feel the need to be mobile, I realize my need and my capabilities do not intersect.

It rained this morning. Long hard and thunderous. It was relaxing. I slept.

I slept all through that rain except for the brief moments my mind tried to take in the beauty of it.

Half my day is wasted. I am writing essays and looking at schools that might find me a fit candidate. Except I needed to have been thinking about this sooner, except why would I?

The only reason I am searching now is because I am lost and need to be found again. Why must this be happening to my service. I feel like such a failure.

It's too much. I am choosing between my commitment or compromising my beliefs.

I've been so angry lately and heavily emotionally charged.

It's draining. So I am distracting myself with books and wedding dresses and writing. It doesn't help.

My mind is ever circling around possibilities and consequences of each. It's too much.

An unrequested burden.