It has been so long since I have written. It is 2:08 p on a Wednesday. I am on break from my grad classes. Trying to finish homework that as per usual I have left until the very last moment. I am drinking a screwdriver, having conversations with the wife via text and listening to Georgia on My Mind. I am having thoughts on life. Wondering what the fuck the purpose is and how to really tame happiness. That last line made me smile.

Things. I used to have so many stories. I'm in a life rut currently. Hustling. These past few years have been hustle years. Years to get me, to get us to where we want to be. So no travels. Limited fun, aside from what we make and tears. School tears. Neighborhood tears. Family tears. All of the tears.

Did everyone know that my wife's brother's wife is having a baby in February? Did anyone know that I am terribly and disgustingly jealous. Jealous enough that I could play the part of Elphaba in Wicked? Like all jokes aside. I'm green. Seasick green. I'm jealous because I wish it was that easy for us. I want to just be whoops pregnant one day. I mean don't get me wrong, it's a definite blessing. Never have to worry about the whoops, but even if we were ready to try, we have to have anywhere from $500-$20,000 to get sperm, to swap eggs, to fertilize- all depending on what route we go. But no matter what route we go, we have to fork over money. We have to pay to be pregnant and not like stock up on some diapers, a crib and stroller the baby's coming pay to be pregnant, but actually pay money to be fat. I barely want to do it as it is, but if I'm gonna do it, can I just have it be easy? Why do I also have to pay to suffer?

So this is me right now. Venting. Feeling. Throwing myself the best pity party since '07. And with that, I suppose I should finish this homework and pretend that I'm an adult again. An adult student. Fuck. How do I sound like an adult with the let me go finish my homework bit? Eff.

I quit.