Barricade

I dream of her words. My mind imagines their wrappings about me. Neurons firing and I stand at attention as she is called to my arena for attentive thought and curiosity has gotten the best of me.

Her hands wake me from sleep as I come to and realize that they were the dream. The feel of her lips pressing in the dark behind my eyes finding me.

Her smell drifts through the openings settling in my pores. Her presence weighs on me heavily, presently making it difficult to breathe. All I breathe is you. I breathe your unspoken words formed with your forgotten voice and choke on the stench that makes me retch.

Suffocating in my dreams. Languishing in waking moments where I straggle behind pulling my drum beating the rhythm of the pace of my pain. Pulling hands to my face past my waste and self serve to rediscover the feel of what I may deserve.

Alone with the voices that haunt me with wide open eyes, wide open thighs and I beg you. Knees to the floor. Insert here. Pull at the strings. Keep no track of these things. Insert here. 5th gear. And all I hear is her voice in my dreams.

Her voice is a dream. Her voice floating on a dream. And her hands to keep me.

Jigsaw

I haven't cried in quite awhile. Today I couldn't help it.

Today I am crying in the car because it had to come out. Catharsis.

Broken hearts are no joke. Waiting so badly to not be a stepping stone and to be dealt a hand of love that I deserve.

These broken pieces are penetrating through my rib cage. The visceral dispensing itself, making its way to my reality and I want nothing but to be rid of it.

I want nothing but to fade your memory. Fade you from the folds of my grey matter. Smattered truths that I'm forced to choke down and chew.

And I'm at a loss.

All I can see is me fleeing from this feeling because my strength has diminished with your leave and so I've fallen weak. Vulnerable to sweet words that keep me stuck, stagnant, and wretched.

Waiting for the rains to pour and cleanse me, to clear and bring about a fresh air. Because I can't handle this pain that has become so tangible.

Physically wrecking. Internally naked. Stripped of my soul. Soundless screams. Invisible wounds. They drip dirty blood for you.

Watch me pour out for the mirror to see. Listen for my silent screams as my body stills violently and my mind reverts childishly.

Nothing left, but banged up knees and dirty laundry.

All Around

I thought you were engaged with my mind. Then I realized you were fiancé to my thighs and Beyonce has nothing on this single lady.

Keeping me, steeping me and I am exposing myself so that you may fit yourself against the plushness of my vulnerability.

Soft spoken words luring me to the trap of your mystery. I question to satisfy my curiosity and yet I find that you are not satisfying to me.

Wide the fuck open and I'll bring the thread to mend my head draping it from one side to the other drooping and draping unable to pick up the slack

And at this rate my heart will be beating against these heart strings. Wonder when it will be that I learn from these sorts of things.

And my wound will shrink from the thread mending my heart and head sensing the link and realizing that the physical is merely surfacing to make way for the transcendental that will never quite make it beyond the grips of the dismal. Her mass weighing heavy drifting here beneath the waters.

Bringing me to realize that I'm drowning in my need and instead of letting me breathe, you are simply smothering me with your uncertainty.

Roll the Dice

I don't think I was meant to be out of a relationship. Being single is not my issue, it is only an issue when people want to talk to me or show interest.

I'm so used to being in a relationship and having a person like me for me that I have forgotten how to be coy and mysterious. I am clingy and all up in people's asses when that is not really me, nor is it what I want. I realize that I miss the comfort and stability of a relationship.

I miss my Bunny.

I miss cuddles and being able to touch and snuggle to my discretion and to be completely me without any pretense of wit or intelligence. I want to be able to relax in my sweats and not have to have mascara on my face to pretty it up.

I want to be able to not have to keep my living arrangements a secret out of embarrassment.

I don't know how to date. I am still in relationship mode so please people, stop trying to like me and be around me. I find that you are a replacement for what I want. Temporary.

I heard you need to stop doing permanent things with temporary people. So leave me alone right? I'm temporary. You don't want me and I don't want you. I am confused and some days I miss my Bunny. My Bunny I say!

I miss what was, so I manifest it into what is, except what is is not what will be and so I say, "Leave me be."

I like single. I can handle single. I can't handle another relationship. I can't handle this talking business. I don't understand it nor the rules involved.

I suck at this game.

My Mind's Got the Runs

And today I've got nothing but blurbs and thoughts because they have been circling and leaving me disabled, stretched out and feeling labeled. Marked for dead. X marks the spot. The spot dripping red.

There was once a time when I loved. I loved with all my heart, but she didn't want it. It wasn't for her. Love wasn't enough. She wanted more. She wanted in. She wanted the moon and the stars. I thought they were reflected in my eyes, she with me, the sun to my universe. She couldn't see. The looking glass kept her from it and so she looked elsewhere. Elsewhere leaving me barren and laden across the lands of no man. No man's land. And I wonder was it something in your head you were fighting all along? Was it something I wouldn't even if I could?

Fallen tears measurements of untouched years that my mind has already been to, where I've seen a me and you.

All while...

The residual remains resurfacing from time to time just to remind me that you were real and I try to smother it to keep it from going deeper than skin just so I can retell the story so I may pretend it/you didn't travel so far and yet you swim, swim within me, inhibit my creativity and my ability to create connections and bonds fearing severance and bombs. I can no longer take not longs and forever transformed to never.

So I find you...

Looking for a way out just for a way in. Tasting the deliciousness of her flesh eating sin. And what lies will surface as time does pass. Mirror simply reflecting glass.

And I find that,

I'm allergic to liars. I guess that's why my eyes keep watering every time you come around.

So,

Keep pretending that I don't exist. cast me off. Shield your eyes from the dark abyss…

Because I shall emerge.

I shall emerge where...

We lived in a land of make believe formed of broken promises and broken hearts. We emerged jaded and tainted attempting to wipe all feeling away. It rubbed me raw. Raw that soon faded to numb. Now there is nothing. All for the risk. All for the fun.

And now I'm,

Chasing death so she can't catch up to me.

Here I discovered a place a place where I've decided.

Fuck your favor. My occupation does not depend on your spatial limitations.

And that? That is all she wrote.